Friday, March 31, 2006
"...a basic dislike of people, yet has such unstinting and bottomless compassion for them.."was just reading some junk and came across this.. strangely it describes my feelings towards people so appropriately... honestly speaking, i do dislike people. They are the most troublesome creatures on earth. They can be so selfish and so sinful (me included btw) and really sometimes i'd rather not have to deal with them. Left alone, i would be very happy. At the same time, i love them and have a great deal of compassion for them. And this i've got to confess is really God-given.. it didn use to be like that.. like the verse says "Christ's love compels us" to minister to others and to love others.. and yar.. i guess that's it.. u just can't control yourself... u go all struggly within you and at the end of the day you still reach out to the person and you still show love the person.. and haha...sure.. it comes with a whole lot of disappointments.. like this week... grr.. 1 out of 4 pple i approached appeared to meet me.. of the 4, 1 also gaf me a giant headache... painful and sometimes seemingly ridiculous.. i guess this is what it means to show love.. yes.. i love the sinners and i want to see them saved.. was crying today... over the afghan issue thingy, over the japs (goodness that picture shan gaf is so vivid in my mind).. crying too much lately... sometimes u can't stand urself for feeling too much.. and here everyone thinks i'm so rational... haiz
rach was praying for my family today.. felt intense warfare.. tell me about it.. haiz.. i'd rather not face it and run away.. i see so many things... i'm beginning to ask more questions and show more concern for them.. sometimes i feel that i shud go up to them and pray for them.. for some reason it's just such a difficult step..i guess i'm just not a person who's demonstrative in showing love.. i know hardy says "love as it could be said the less demonstrative the more divine".. sometimes to love that can't be the case.. well.. family is a ministry too.. and like becky said i think i need to step back and look at what i can do with my time.. and yes... stop running away
seem to be sighing a lot recently...
holding on to you.
12:17 AM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
God has been speaking to me a lot through Phillip's ministry recently. Was just reading a devotion about how Phillip was actually holding a revival event where the sick was healed and the demon possessed were cast out (Acts 8:26). Yet in the midst of this exciting and seemingly successful event when he heard God calling him, He was obedient to what God had called him to and shared to an Ethiopian eunuch. The devotion was really about how God's ways of determining where we invest our time and energy often have little to do with results. The danger for us is that we determine whether we are in the center of God's will simply by the success or failure of the events we are involved in. Our plumb line for determining success can be only one thing: obedience. Philip is a good example to us because he responded in obedience to the direction of the Holy Spirit rather than wat man would see as good such as casting out demons and healing the sick.
wow.. this passage really spoke to me today. I was quite upset some time back when someone told me that if i wanted to see results and see amazing things happen i should serve in third world countries. That made me really sad because it is not about results and i do believe that first world countries need Jesus as well. For some time i have been asking God for confirmation and direction. Lo and behold, today, God spoke to me. Whilst i was worshipping God gave me a vision and it really caused something within me to stir. Within seconds i was weeping for this particular nation as well as the missionaries there (and someone in particular) . At that moment, i knew God really loves them, yet, at the same time i could also feel how hard the ground was. Though it seemed that God had chosen to reveal the ctry to me, i was unconvinced. I asked God once again "are You sure?". When previously I couldn understand how being in a third world country was seemingly "more successful" and thus a better place to be and minister... now I understood a little of how they felt. Honestly I really dunno whether i can serve in a place where i don't see results (that is from man's pov). i think i'll be really down and upset. I have seen what God can do in places like Indonesia. And wow!! i wanna be there again. why can't i just minister there? but really... deep down inside I do know the answer - everyone needs God. And truly, it isn't just about results, is it? It is all about God, seeking His will and perfect time and also about His love for the people. And so through today's passage i realised that i have been living according to what i view as success when in the first place we should not even be seeking success but be obedient to what He has called us to.
knowing all that.. i think im still kindof in denial.. shall continue praying for more confirmations... i'm just praying that i'll learn to follow His will.
i sound quite incoherent.. forgive me for i am really falling asleep...grr... crappy grammar
holding on to you.
12:11 AM
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I'm back!!! So sorry this post is like super late.. cause i was super tired and super sleepy.. and to all the pple who's smses i didn reply... soo soo sorry cause i realli lost track of who i replied and who i didn when i came back.... Anywayz..I really really thank God for the opportunity to serve in Indonesia. We went there to serve, but we really received so much more in return lah. For that, I would really like to thank God for all the valuable lessons I’ve learnt.
I went there and really really learnt what it means to serve. The people there give their best whether it is in providing food or accommodation or laundry or even doing all the small things for u. They are not very well off, some of the people do not even know us very well except for the fact that we are visiting them, yet they serve us with good food and even provide mattresses and pillows for us to rest. They make me feel super ashamed la... and sometimes i feel that even as a team we take their generosity and hospitality forgranted...Also they try to pay for all the expenses we incur such as transportation. I also learnt a lot from the pastors especially Pastor Esther. When she preaches, she really preaches with passion but most importantly it is the way she relates to the people she visits. She goes down to the level of the people she ministers to and really tries to understand them. She gives her all. At times I even see her giving the people massages when their legs hurt and to some who had stroke and could not move. It really reminded me of how Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. She is really woman of compassion and one with the heart to serve. Like matt says.. superwoman la... If one day i go full time.. I really hope i'll be someone like that... Like Col 3:23 do everything as if unto the Lord!!
Speaking about giving our all, I also learnt what it is to worship God. When you see the people in Indonesia worship or pray.. it is like... WOW!!! They are not afraid to sing loudly for God, dance or even jump for God. And when they pray they pray with such fervour!!! Of course.... Rita. Rita is power i tell u.. the way she worships... i want to worship like that too!!
Proverbs 16:9 -In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. There in indonesia i really learnt what this meant... during the mission trip there were so many changes, we had to prepare and change sermons last minute so that we could minister when we were suddenly requested to preach at cell meetings or prayer meetings. It was really a test of our faith in God. But I discovered that even as we begin to trust God and have faith in Him, God works and His miracles are seen even as we step up in faith to do His work.
Lastly, I really enjoyed doing home-to-home evangelism. I know that my passion is really for the lost. While I was in Indonesia I’ve shed much tears for the people because I know how much God loves them. It is something that is deeply rooted in my spirit. In this I know that sharing the gospel is what I have been called to do. Also, I have never thought I was truly effective. But there in Indonesia, I really saw how God could use me. We saw many miracles, like the paralyze walk, the demon oppressed set free... but to me, seeing people come to the Lord, that is truly the greatest miracle!! Halleluyah!!!
okies really so many many things i really can't tell them all here... must come talk to me abt it if u really want to know.. i seriously learnt so much la...
oh yar.. not forgetting all the wonderful wonderful pple i met!! our hosts!! the pastors are great and so hospitable!! the pple working in the churches too!! our translators!! Femi who is super fun and my kantang (mwhahaha) Abang who is super nice!! and so many so many lovely pple we met...
i really really wanna go back to Indonesia!!
As for results.. I did really really well!! Praise God.. after all tt mess i went thru with rh, messing up my econs paper and everything.. realli thank God really really really really thank God... now got to pray hard for scholarships... eee.. applications give me a headache...
just a random thought.. sometimes i feel like eustachia.. and i realli start hating myself...
holding on to you.
11:28 PM
