Monday, August 29, 2005
o man.. i can't believe i got thru today.. so many essays.. sometimes i really wonder why i'm doing arts...haha.. za counted we've got to like write 2o+ essays or something..soccer was quite amusing today...hao and his "hot stomach" haha and various strange converersationsian: our keeper didn haf to do anythingme: yar lor protected by all the er... cool.. er.. guysrome: yea man!!!*rome begins to show of his muscles and doing some strange poses...*hao is laughing his head ofian: er... guys... not boys..*sees rome running after ianrome continued referring himself as macho man the rest of the match..*ian and hao messed up somewherebrian: aye if we don't score ah...rome: don't worry got macho man here...last goal.... *brian does a top of the world*keeper a bit gong... dunno wat to dorome: pass here pass here*rome scores and promptly zooms of with the superman action running all arnd the field humming the starwars theme song...was quite funny... haiz.. sian.. miss malvin....why is he in taiwan......yay yay yay no school..haiz.. but got to study though... feel like slackingz...
holding on to you.
9:22 PM
Friday, August 26, 2005
devastated devastated devastated!!!! haiz.. life the past week was just mal hao and i... arghz.. mal's going back today and i feel sudden sad... glad i decided to spend the evening with them.. it was just depressing the whole of today and mal making the fuss bout not going out unless i go too..i kept convincing myself i shudn go or i would feel even worse when he left tonite.. haiz.. but in the end i gave in...wanted to cheer the kid up... got him a Bible and wrote a note....the 3 of us ate prata, walked arnd, sang sad songs and took photos.. arghz... sad sad sad... mal don't go!!! was looking at the photos we took.. he looks so dejected...
mal's a great kid.. smart, witty, talkative and full of charm.. haiz.. will miss him lots...
just realised today's the last "studying" day with my class.. arghz.. getting more depresssed.... the next time we meet will be prelims...
qiang sent me some really sweet stuff... somehow i'm not feeling any happier...
mal don't leave.......
holding on to you.
10:47 PM
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Conrad is amazing stuff..."They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretence, because I felt so sure they could not possibly know the things I knew. Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their businessin the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no particular desire to enlighten them, but I had some difficulty in restraining myself from laughing in their faces, so full of stupid importance."just sums up my thoughts as i walk thru the corridors of everyday life... how depressing...
holding on to you.
4:37 PM
Monday, August 22, 2005
so annoying... com's been running so slow i couldn get online to blog... anywayz.. went out wid ez on sat.. got scolded..haha..wat's new.. i deserved it anywayz.. haiz.. bad influences all coming my way again.. the sad thing is i'm actualli giving in to it... wat's wrong wid me... arghz.. i need to kick myself.... pray pray pray and keep my eyes on Him... really really missed ez...
went out wid hao on sat too.... gosh.. he's so crazy lah... over the weekend he got caught twice for doing stupid things like doing handstands in the middle of the road... haha.. not to mention he's going to blow my inbox wid all his smss...
played badminton today when i was supposed to be studying... arghz... mug mug...
1 week left!!!!!!!
holding on to you.
6:49 PM
Friday, August 19, 2005
brenda's so spot on wid prophecy it's scary... haiz.. she was right again i am unsettled.. i haf no idea why.. or actualli while i was praying just now.. i sort of do... need to go sort it out wid the Lord i guess.. maybe it's just my rebellious streak showcasing itself... too much energy with no where to vent.. studying is not helping... today was such an insane day.. even i was going mad talking nonsense and everything.. ly said i was being so distracting....hao was so amusing today too... shud haf seen the amt of nonsense he smsed me the whole of today.. kept me awake thru class though.. haha.... and today during class.. me and my obsession wid agri geog... lee says i shud go join FAO or something.. yar save the world.... lee's vision in the future... imagine the 5 of us gathered in Sahel... Me trying to change the arid land into arable land ... za being part of the evil agribusiness trying to promote monoculture .. two of us haf some argument bout sustainable farming... wiggy comes along saying we're both wrong and urbanisation was essential.. and then randy comes promoting animal rights and trying to rid the agribusiness... and shooj "aye pple.. peace peace.. lets play music and haf fun" ... lee's imagination rocks la... haha.. FAO.. u gotta be kidding.... i miss joel... haha.. he misses me too... haiz.. haven't had time to talk to him much these days.. it was so sad on sun cause we all had things on and stuff so well.. won't see him tmr either... guess i'll haf to wait again.. i miss my "daddy"...
holding on to you.
11:10 PM
Thursday, August 18, 2005
i suddenly feel very motivated to work hard.. i dunno why.. maybe cause i'm so disappointed with everything else... maybe it's cause of my frens...
met kitson today.. missed him lots... haha.. uk sounds like a great place to be at... i wonder if i shud realli try to get away from here.. i have no idea... right now i just realli want to work hard and do well... if not for anything... just because i realli realli like the subject....
geography!!!
read the letter we wrote during retreat.. remembering all the stuff tt the Lord did during that time... thinking back on His goodness it really moves me to tears.. and all that struggling..haha.. now the whole thing just seems like a memory.. indeed i have moved on.. Praise the Lord!!!
Ever let it beEver let it be that I would praise YouEver let it be that I would please YouNever let it be that I would turn awayEver let it be that I would love YouNever let there be any gods above YouEver let it be that I would sing Your praiseAlways and foreverKeep me walking in Your waysNever let me go astrayAlways and forever lead meI need You day by dayEver let it be, ever let it beEver let it be that I would sing Your praise.
holding on to you.
5:02 PM
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
went wid qiang to bishan park today.. i think i haven't run/walk such a long dist in such a long time.. now i know how unfit i've become (need to start on my running again..arghz unmotivated).... then again.. we had fun... haiz.. i think i'm worrying too much bout the frenship and everything... just gotta let go of it all and let God handle it...haha..realised how long i haven't stepped into ian's house.. it was just like old times today.. bugging him.. bumming on his bed..reading his newspaper.. taking free stuff from his mum... peeping into hippo's house... spying on jon.. etc etc... missed the old times when all there was was just plenty of time..time to bum and have fun...played soccer wid the guys today.. it was fun.. we didn haf a proper match.. it was just like the old times again.. playing wid the swings which they finally reinstalled.. ended up playing monkey.. those mean pigs took the opportunity to kick some small kid arnd.. not very nice... but i think it was the kid who disturbed them first... he sure has guts though... brian as usual was hilarious... hao was doing some strange card trick (btw his new hair cut's realli bad)... ian and rome kept saboing pple into being the monkey... all in all it brought out the nastiness in everybody... hung arnd after soccer.. for once!... actually no talk on dota... haha.. we were talking bout the ghosted apartments in our block.. and i mean ghosted!.. hehe.. lots of random stuff too.. they keep bugging me on whether i've got a bf.. i just brush them off saying i'm loyal to hao jon and ian... lol.. jon (the older bro), ian ( my best bud) and hao (the ever protective) ..haha.. yea.. i mean they've been arnd for forever since pri sch... jon suggest we do ktv at hao's house soon.. i grimace.. the horror.. i still rem wat happened during new year... i think i ended up hiding in the toilet from all that croaking.. spare me!!!....
holding on to you.
8:52 PM
Sunday, August 14, 2005
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;To added affliction He addeth His mercy, To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,His power no boudary known unto men;For out of His infinite riches in JesusHe giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.i really needed it..
Lord, O Lord why does it always have to be this way...
so zai.. matt dumped the entire prayer thing to me for one month...haiz...
holding on to you.
10:59 PM
Saturday, August 13, 2005
eeee.. sick again.. dunno wat's wrong wid me... caught it frm my brother... haiz... feel so tiredz... everywhere aches.. and i haf a giant headache.. want to slp...recently people have been asking me qns on death.. things like wat i would rem before i die... if i was afraid of death.. blah... hmmz... i realli dun mind dying.. it's a lot better than living.. the onli reason i'm alive is because there's still things for me to do here.. now at this pt here's where pple come and tell me tt tt's just a very sad view of life... haha.. not realli.. it's just how things are.. to me death is just a transition.. as to.. wat i would hold on to and rem... hmmz.. pretty much nthg.. the pple who matter to me will pretty much be up there.. the pple i pray for will eventually get there... and the reason i finally got up there is because i've got everything done.. then there's no real reason to hold on to things here... haha.. seems to go back down to pas beck's qn.. i think the thing is tt the things tt really matter to me are pple.. even though i usually complain tt i can't stand human beings (myself included).. gosh we are so fallen....pple and their pettinessenuf abt death.. haha.. reading voice of the matyrs doesn realli get this out of mind.. i realised i just wrote a whole lot of crap.. haha.. i realise i have a lot of weird theories... dunno wat's wrong wid me... i want to stay away from qiang.. i think like my cous says it's the defence mechanism in play.. when i get too close to someone i just want to keep them away.. it can't be help la.. i dunno.. it's become to natural.. haiz.. i just don't want to get hurt... maybe tt's why i make sure pple are removable from my life...
holding on to you.
4:02 PM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
i love my neighbours.. in a strange way tt is.. apart from God.. they seem to be like my other constants ... i can always fall back on them when everything messes up like now when everyone is giving me all kinds of nonsense and i'm miserable.. at least they'll accept the kind of crap i am.. they dun expect me to meet expectations and be wise and do everything rite...haiz.. wat bothers me most is tt he doesn even seem to care... i am annoyed.. i wish i could run away from this whole mess.. but then he said he'll be hurt if i left and so here i am.. stuck here once again...
ian and i msged nonsense to each other just now... feel a lot better now... miss them lots..... they nvr realli leave u... they're always arnd some how.. hope we do some stupid things tonite.. get my mind of stuff...
need to learn to love a lot more pple than just him...
maybe it realli isn't from God... or is it?
holding on to you.
4:31 PM
Sunday, August 07, 2005
why is everyone giving me such a hard time? why doesn he bother? why keep everything a secret like it's some illicit thing... why doesn anyone understand.. wat's wrong with having a fren? do u noe how long i've been praying for such a fren? everyone except God, bren and ez seem to think it's ok... maybe i shud just ignore the rest of the world cause at least the pple tt matter support me.. then again.. i noe u guys are prob wondering who noes whether i'm really hearing from God...the rest of u are just being unfair to me... i can't stand all of u.. pseudo happy pple.. who've got pple who understand u cause ur problems are just so trivial and pathetic.. and why can't i haf a fren? i mean i'm wondering why God brought a guy and not a girl too.. so dun treat me as if i'm such a slut.. cause i didn do anything... it's not my fault if he wants to tell me everything... and for one.. i need him.. i need someone who understands.. and i can't find it in the rest of u... have u ever thought how i felt.. all u do is act jealous and angry and frustrated.. i see everything and can't say anything.. i wish i cud say something to clear all the misunderstanding but i can't because of this thing called trust.. and u dun help by being harsh on me...dun push me i'm already controlling my words... u worry abt ur relationship with him.. and i worry bout mine...
i'm sorry for tt outburst.. i'm just sick and tired of being misunderstood...
watched a film today.. or a quart of it anywayz.. really good... about revival.. indeed revival can happen in communities!!.. it was in this place columbia, Cali... ruled by the drug lords yet transformed by the awesome hand of God just because someone chose to step out and obey the Lord.. just because pple prayed in unity... and yes.. revival... and of course it was a sacrifice cause he obeyed knowing full well he would die.. i was really touched by the power of God... who noes.. maybe one day it'll be my turn.. but for now... the words his daughter spoke are still etched in my mind..
sometimes what's even harder than dying is really to continue living...
holding on to you.
10:14 PM
Thursday, August 04, 2005
it's been a tiring week.. time is spent mainly studying, church and qiang.. i'm starting to feel the stress and i dun like it one bit.. i'm struggling cause i dunno how to manage my time.. qiang is beginning to open up quite a lot... i really want to be there for him but i really need to study too.. i can't spend as much time wid him as i want to.. but at the same time i need to be there for him too cause he's not telling jus much... arghz!!! so little time!!! why can't there be 48 hrs in one day or something..haiz..
just realised how little time i haf left wid my class.. feels quite depressing... esp now since our class is getting all bonded and fun as it was last yr...
Lord i need ur wisdom!!!
holding on to you.
9:48 PM
