miracles are gonna happen.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

lit paper was er... disgusting.. think they both set out to kill us.. basically if u didn mug for lit and do the essays u'll find urself in dire straits... but i guess for rotn both were as bad.. i mean.. pc the conversation btwn the heath dwellers!!! dang!!!! as for the essay no one would haf prepped for tt theme...at least frost essay wasn't tt bad.. it looks bad but once u start it's not tt bad after all.. u just flow wid it :) .. but the passage was er... passing by woods.. blah.. nothing to pc... wid regards to social something.. gosh.. even worse...

anywayz.....

yay!!! 1 more day left!! actually less!!!! a few hours!!! i am quite distracted.. no VERY distracted.. been thinking abt wat to do after tmr... can spend time wid ferlin but i think my mum's dragging me to get my hair cut.. she's been wanting me to get it cut since my fringe touched my eyebrows.. "they're covering ur eyes and they'll make pimples appear on ur face".. it's a ploy i tell u.. she had it all set up from the start..

first she asks me to use some strange cream.. then some weird rash appeared on my face (there goes my face) and now.. my hair really irritates my face when it wouldn under normal circumstances... so yea.. she succeeded in convincing me to cut my hair...

well.. she's bringing me shopping after tt i think.. can't say much about her tastes.. but hey...no money issues there... :D

holding on to you. 8:45 PM

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

yay.. another day's passed.. 2 more left :) .. i don't really care actually.. i guess i read something yesterday that changed my perspective of exams totally...

spent like 20 min wid ferlin yest... and yesterday i guess i wasn't really in the mood to walk either.. i was so annoyed wid econs... was just like the old days talking nonsense abt boys and erm.. boys? haha.. i think she'll nvr ever agree wid my tastes la.. everything's not just external lah :P btw ferlin didn end up going in the end... can look forward to more days of play...

today's soccer was cool.. like full team after like dunno how many months...pple like wei an (who finally came back wid a proper haircut this round), jared, etc.. today was like super powers (wa, jared, his bro, hippo, jerome, hx) vs the anti- justice league (dan, hao, jon, ian, brian, rx, me) we actually won wid a score of like 10 ++ haha.. oh brian went over in the end.. i think the superpowers not full team yet lah.. still got jimmy and his bro.. wa did score a superb goal though that curved and dipped the corner.. wah.. haven't kept for such a long time.. so scary sia... very long nvr see full goal le... hee.. by His grace i didn do tt badly.. btw our team's coordination was superb.. haha... still u could hear jon in the background today "communicate!", "through pass!", "down the line!", "aye call for ball if u want it!" ....lol.. wid his last order of the day " tmr everybody report here 4.30!!" .. wah now training some more.. haha.. think it's cause all the older ones are back and everything.. everyone's very motivated.. i feel quite enthusiastic too.. surprisingly...

and gosh.. the guys are soooooo vain.. and ferlin just lets them by taking so many photos.. jia lat.. esp jonny.. haha.. but we did take a very nice one... looks like its a gd thing to sit on ur phone, spoil it and get a new one :D

it's so nice to have everyone back!

holding on to you. 3:08 PM

Monday, June 27, 2005

on day has passed! yay... 2 papers down ... lalala.. quite exhausted actually...have to study econs.. wat a headache... well as ruth says "wat's the meaning of started? there's a lot of meanings to started.. i dun think i'm even near any of the definitions.... well.. i've tried my best and i shall just go and die a valiant death..." .. hee my thoughts exactly.. yay.. no more cramming... surprisingly geog is the first to be over.. lalala... ok.. but econs notes looks like a lot... realli... it's scary...

quite happy to see all my classmates in sch today as well as the pple next door and next next door...

ferlin is back!!!.. not sure if i can get the time to see her though.. mayb if i escape from studying or something..haha.

holding on to you. 4:10 PM

Sunday, June 26, 2005

To the Ends of the Earth

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are
And I would give the world to tell You're story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God

been so fearful of certain things.. of loss of loneliness.. even wanted to run away from wat You called me to... fear of going back to sch and facing all the things i may haf to face again.. even exams tmr.. but He has given me strength and His joy... thank You Lord for spking today... in You we can overcome all things.. the favour of the Lord surrounds me like a shield!

Your light broke through my night
Restored exceeding joy
Your grace fell like the rain
And made this desert live

You have turned my mourning into dancing
You have turned my sorrow into joy

Your hand lifted me up
I stand on higher ground
Your praise rose in my heart
And made this valley sing

This is how we overcome
This is how we overcome

perfect love casts out all fear

holding on to you. 12:32 PM

Saturday, June 25, 2005

been studying real hard.. think i didn blog yesterday.. always a first.. been quite unsettled the last few days wid regards to becky's departure.. a few days ago she just lent me this book and in the preface it mentioned the missionary's death.. round the same time she also mentioned how she had to write her will and give instructions on what to do wid her body and stuff b4 she could go on the field.. apart from tt we actually discussed earthquake occurences in japan and how she mite die there.. esp wid the forecast of one happening real soon near the location she'll be residing at.. hmmz.. to die in a foreign land.. how disturbing even though it really shudn matter... i dunno i guess the missionarys i've known come back ever so often tt death nvr seemed so near b4..

woke up real earli today... brenda's sms came in late.. had to grab a cab to the airport.. quite a nasty experience really.. stepped into the cab to be greeted by this heavy set guy who seemed to take much difficulty in manoeuvring the cab but then the guy was playing some funky music so i figured, wel,l this guy couldn't be tt bad... i was wrong.. he got on the main road and started speeding at wat i'm sure was about 200km/h (ok.. i'm exaggerating)... and if u thot tt was all... he looked like he was falling asleep and half the time his hands weren't on the wheel...

anywayz.. reached the airport was greeted by a whole lot of pple who were really earli.. arghz apparently there were 2 grps of pple i could have taken lifts from... arghz! ... anywayz.. i thot i would be really sad today... but surprisingly there were no tears from anybody.. haha.. i dunno.. i think becky was just to comical..haha.. she was rushing round here and there trying to take photos give out jap door gifts etc etc... o and i met the omf pple there too.. yepz.. they're gonna meet her in sept... will miss her lots i think...i guess she was one person who really understood me.. we were similar in many ways and went thru many similar situations... then again i might be too busy wid my As to even think of anything...

met kevin at the airport... wonder how he found me...
our oz pple are coming back.. superman is back and ferlin's due when cts start... whoopie...

holding on to you. 2:59 PM

Thursday, June 23, 2005

4.23pm

spent the whole day studying at home.. like really... studying.. dunno how i do it... it's boring .. really.. my only motivation is cell tmr and sending pas becks off on sat... haiz.. so uneventful i shudn blog.. wondering if i shud go play soccer later... econs tys... eeee.. needs to be done... arghz..

later in the evening...

ok.. so i went for soccer.. even after measuring the pros and cons.. of which there were no pros.. just tt my brain was so washed out i couldn do any more math.. yepz.. ferlin said i shud go check out how hot hao was.. haha.. not too hot today.. the guys were dancing and dribbling at the same time.. all out there looking quite good.. lol.. even jon can la.. then everyone was going like "hao can't dance" .. yar really.. he can't...

haven't seen hx in such a long time... well he sure was prepared with a greeting...

"wah.. i haven't seen her for so long"
*comes over and grabs a lump of flesh from his tummy
"ting i still as fat..."
ewwwwwwwww ... hx!!!! dunno how his gf can stand him... i was running away from him...

and Lord.. when is he coming home... i wanted to give up on him but u threw him back into my life.. he's like the prodigal son.. i dunno wat to say to him.. all i can do is pray.. i'm tired of all his nonsense.. all he ever does is disappoint..

Stacey Orrico - There's Gotta Be More To Life Lyrics

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure...
there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure...
there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

Than waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
To life..Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more to life....life..
ohh...more to life....theres gotta be more to life...
ohh...more to life....theres gotta be more to life...ohhh

think about it...

holding on to you. 4:21 PM

i noe it says to honor your parents but i also noe it says tt parents do not exasperate your children. i feel exasperated.. i try so hard.. really i do.. but i wake up everyday to a mad house.. pple shouting at each other for wat to me seems to be over trivial matters.. go ahead shout at each other if u want.. but why turn it on me.. and why are u forever criticising everything bout me even my frens.. u noe something.. look at urself... sometimes i really feel like shaking u... even ur children dun dare to say anything to u.. they find peace by just keeping their mouths shut... instead of just trying to destroy everything or do it your own way why dun u just take a step back and look... gosh woman... some times i really wish i could move out...

spent some time wid pas becks today... not enuf time to talk.... arghz.. so little time left.... we took pics though.. haha.. her cam is a lot better than mine.. mine always not so nice lehz... haha... pnp was.. i dunno... haha.. cool.. cause God was there.. and yes.. our snr pas got healed.. so praise the Lord....

our sub theme song for retreat.... heehee

Have you told God lately that you love Him?
Have you told HIm there's no one else above Him?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what He does.

For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Meets the day with hope and comfort too,
He fills my life with laughter, somehow He makes it better,
Ease my troubles, that's what He does.

There's a love that's divine, And its yours and its mine, Like the sun.
And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray,To the One, that's above.

to our bros and sisters..

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

There's a love that's divine, And its yours and its mine, Like the sun.
And at the end of the day, We should give thanks and pray,To the one, to the one.

Have i told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

holding on to you. 12:09 AM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

wow.. the band was cool... like absolutely... must must go listen to the gig.. the annointing was so strong and powerful and amazing...

Take My Hand and Walk

I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
with a child-like heart
simply put your trust in Me
Take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk
Don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me
Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're afraid of the unknown
take my hand and walk where I lead
you will never be alone
faith is to be sure of what you hope for
and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk
Just like a child
holdings daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand
on your own

apart from listening to the band.. i shared my testimony for the first time in front of a group of pple tt is.. was shivering... i dunno... i guess i've always been too ashamed of my past... but i felt liberated today.. there was really nothing to fear

i'm not ashamed of the gospel.. i'm not ashamed of the one i love!

and my Lord says..

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you (For you alone)
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

holding on to you. 11:21 PM

Monday, June 20, 2005

hee.. wid regards to yest street e i prayed bout it.. and well.. He gave me and answer.. feel a lot better le.. i wrote an email to my girls to share it wid them.. i hope they feel encouraged too..

suddenly felt a need yesterday to go round telling pple i love them.. strange huh? i dunno why... maybe it's just the fellowship week thing.. xj hardly says it to me and he always explains tt if u say it to often the phrase just loses its value.. tt always set me wondering if i've been too liberal with my 'i love u's .. but yesterday there were really some pple i really wanted to say it but i just couldn... (hope i dun upset anyone) ..so it seems tt i'm not so after all... it's just.. hmmz... anywayz tt also made me wonder whether i could say tt to all my girls (all 9) and i realised i couldn... not tt i dun show love cause we are called to love one another in His Word.. but sometimes i guess it could be a struggle and yes i guess we can never reach God's stage of perfect unconditional love... i do love my other two boys .. though they consistently brk my heart and are a nuisance to even themselves... and yes ez... i haven't told him for a long long time tt i love him.. he's so busy and stressed out these days... need to spend more time wid him le... not tt i dun try... it's just tt somehow when i'm free he always has meetings....

one my girl's parents called me today.. quite freaky.. franking spking i dunno wat to do wid it.. cause i've been thru wat my girl's been thru and it's a growing up process... so hmmz.. i've no idea... shall go pray bout it...

holding on to you. 11:44 AM

Sunday, June 19, 2005

hmmz.. disappointed? maybe.. wah.. first time it was this bad... 8 pple.. shared to 8 only... plus i was area ic... hmmz... dun think i did anything wrong.. maybe it just wasn't meant to be...lol.. He will make a way la...i think pple here are to immune to this form of sharing.. must change le... somehow i just dun haf a heart for those here than those of other nations.. i pray tt will change though... still..i'm glad i had a chance to spend time wid my other girls today.... i'm so glad to see them so passionate for the Lord... they're growing... slowly but surely... feel assured..

today both of us stood gripping each others hands..haha.. i think we both didn want to let go.. and i really wanted to give him a hug... really really love tt boy... pray tt God will guard his heart and mind and tt he will remain faithful.. pray tt one day he will really become a man after God's own heart...

sense of fear today... dunno why... mayb cause i'm a bit lagging wid my work... halfway during street e bad thoughts and memories just flooded my mind

it's over.. i rather have the joy of the Lord than anything else... no more tears for me... :)
hee... both brenda and ez said i looked diff le... i think so too...

praying...

holding on to you. 10:48 PM

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Change Inside of Me
MercyMe

Pardon me
If I've been acting strange
I haven't been myself lately
What you see
Is a person rearranged
Someone affected me greatly
And I've got so much to say
Ever since Jesus looked my way

chorus
Gonna raise my voice like thunder
And leave the world in wonder of the change
The change inside of me
And I will never stop believing
That you are the reason for this change
The change inside of me

Everyday I'm taking in the view
Of His glory around me
I'm awake
And I have been made new
By the One who has found me
Words just can't say enough
When all I can feel is love

Your life You gave for mine to save
Its nothing less than a miracle
Your name I praise, because the change
Inside of me is so beautiful

changed changed changed and a joy i've thought i've lost.. spent the day chatting and catching up on sleep.. shared a bit wid brenda... took photos wid pas becks at svc today... silly daddy go and join in the picture...oh no.. i'm gonna miss her.. but i feel so excited for her too.. manz... Japan needs her.... haha chris and i took pics wid her cam too.. but she say look so ugly... must be chris...haha.. anywayz.. looking at the photos she took and looking at concert photos really can see a diff in me lehz.. i look so much happier... haha... keep it up girl!.. plus u've got God to help u yar?

yepz.. made up my mind bout certain things.. no turning back le.. cause wat is in front is way better than wat was behind... yepz.. so excited by what He is gonna do...He can do all things... okies... prepared for worship tmr.. gonna go prepare all my daddys' presents...

street e tmr!!!!!!!!!! yay!!! i am so excited... we are marching forth to conquer land!!!

if u can use anything Lord u can use me

holding on to you. 1:06 PM

Friday, June 17, 2005

No Other Gods

God of the heavens
The ancient of days
The God of our fathers
The God of our praise
The Alpha Omega
Beginning and End
We give all the glory
And honour to You

For You alone are worthy of
our neverending love

We will have no other Gods before You
Nothing on earth can compete for your throne
You are the sovereign I am and You reign in our hearts alone
We will exalt You on high forever
King of all kings and the Lord of all lords
We will have no other Gods before You

okies.. a bit incomplete.. can't find the lyrics so only can type from memory... anyway God is great!!!! shan't go into all the nitty gritty details .. i struggled in the beginning but pulled through.. He is so amazing...really... There's a joy in my heart now.. a joy from the Lord... He is my beginning and end...

things tt were great:
first and for most our Almighty God!!!!!!!
Mike!!! (fantastic worship leader!!! prob one of the best in the world!)
Pas Rex!!! (cool preacher) - This is my Bible.. i am what it says i am, i can do what it says i can do, i can possess what it says i can..
my girls!!!
the cool stuff we pasted round the room
the labyrinth

found my confidence in God once again, found my security in Him alone.. and cast away all my idols (fears.. blah)... ready to move on... and once again confirmed His plan for my life...

my heart is just singing for joy.. song after songs of praise keep coming to mind... i wish i could type everything here... but i must have written a gazillionth pages in my journal can't possibly transfer tt here.. hee.. something funny frm sh jie

*someone farted
pas paul: breathe in the breath of God
sh jie: .... *breaths in*
*someone farts again...

yar.. and the sec1s and sec2s dun believe i'm j2 lah. .they think i'm sec 2.. so irritating :P

anywayz.. wanna thanks... my girls for making everything so fun, grace for her prayers and sharing and being a wunderful room ic, sh jie for being the vessel for which God poured forth, choo choo for praying and for listening, my cell pple who are super cool... and keep disturbing me.., brenda (for listening and praying) and serene (for listening and giving me new perspective)

Most importantly the Almighty for without Him nothing would be possible...

We bow our Hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes from evil things
And Oh Lord we cast out our idols

So give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

And oh God let us be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob
And oh God let us be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob

with regards to the events of b4 retreat

Speak life to your separation
Trials and tribulation
Open up your mouth and let the healer take over
Feeling unstable
Jesus is able
Open up your mouth and let the healer take over

holding on to you. 10:56 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

yay!!!! retreat!!!!!!!!!!!! to all u wunderful wunderful bros and sis out there pls pray for brk thru in our church and for everyone going... for healing and strength in the committee and the leadership cause i think there's lots and lots of warfare.. which is why God is gonna do an AMAZING thing during retreat!!!! ...

and wow... i saw something really amazing... some pple from his team...wow.... to reflect the glory of God.. to really shine wid tt radiance.. its amazing.. wow.. one day i wanna be like tt too.. really...

and yes... dun worry "daddy" i noe johann will be there for 5 days.. but i dun like him.. really... really.. relax yar? and my dearest dearest xj, dun worry.. i noe u very worried bout me.. but i'll be fine yar... i'm more or less getting over le i hope :) ... love u yea?

will miss my kids, my "dad", my old man, my bros - daniel, xj and kevin!!

retreat!!!!!! wid my wonderful wonderful Father!!! my wonderful wonderful girls.. and all God's wonderful pple!!!!

as the dear panteth for the water so my soul longeth after thee

worship Him

holding on to you. 10:51 PM

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Innocence
Jeremy Camp

Innocence is calling
The way it’s always been
I can feel my heart is reaching
I can see the calling to show your heart
Within because I know your blood is healing
All I am today and all I am is what your hands
Have made meHere my soul is calling
As I fall down I give all these weak hands
Have forsaken as I fall down before you
I know I’ve been broken
Lord I feel drawing my heart into your love
I can hear your voice is pleading I can see
You’re molding the shape of purity I am what
You’ve laid before me
Here my soul is yielding
As I fall down before the one whose hand
Has reached me out of this fear and doubt
That’s stolen all man’s hope of knowing you
As I fall down I give all these weak hands
Have forsaken as I fall down before you
I know I’ve been broken

went out wid daniel today.. missed him so... apparently thailand was fun..he's got a really strange concept of love tt i can't say i really accept.. to be commited to someone so he says, would be unfair to the rest of his frens who deserve as much attention.. and so.. his conclusion being tt he would rather not be committed to anyone but treat all his frens wid tt amt of sincerity and love... i have my doubts with regards to its sustainability.. then again guys are able to do such stuff ...

walked down esplanade and raffles city today.. can't help but they a walk down memory lane... wasn't heartstabbingly difficult i guess.. but i just felt tired and unsettled... keep thinking bout tt savage garden song again.. ah well...

gotta think of wat to pack for retreat... quite excited.. but i have so much work to do back home.. my mind's all over the place...

went to cell yesterday... quite scary.. i didn't know i don't believe in love anymore.. not love tt comes from pple anywayz...frens specifically... God had to throw it in my face...she got everyone to pray for me... somehow.. i dunno...

my prayer to the Lord and what i hope to bring to retreat...

Letting Go
Jeremy Camp

Gripping on so tight with the security I have inside
Knowing what is right holding onto my pride

Letting go of the things I hold so dear
Letting go of all my pain and all my fears
Letting go of the things I hold so dear
Letting go of all my pain and all my fears

I have been brought to a place
Where I want to give up everything
Where all I can do is seek your face
And my brokenness I will bring

Holding on to the things I deem so strong
Holding on even tho my faith has been built so long
Holding on to the things I deem so strong
Holding on to what I know

I'm letting go

holding on to you. 5:13 PM

Friday, June 10, 2005

was reading native just now.. reached the conversation between eustachia and wildeve regarding his marriage with thomasin.. for some reason i felt really sick after tt... mayb cause there are just too many striking similarities....

"I am sorry i caused you that pain"

"I intended, after this one good-bye, never to meet you again."

"you may come to Blackbarrow if you like, but you won't see me; and you may call, but i shall not listen; you may tempt me, but i won't encourage you any more."
"You have said as much before, sweet; but such nature as yours don't so easily adhere to their words. Neither, for the matter of that do such natures as mine."
"This is the pleasure I have won by my trouble... why did i try to recall you? Damon, a strange warring takes place in my mind occasionally...."

She knew that he trifled with her; but she loved on.

haiz.. it's quite sad u noe.. i can't even revise math w/o thinking of him... yea.. he's left his mark on my math notes... i can't bear to even flip thru differentiation... then again.. i'm not even sure if it's tested.. all i noe is i'm quite dead for math...

holding on to you. 1:07 AM

Thursday, June 09, 2005

i did work today!! as in i was quite motivated and actually studied.. i didn go online i didn chat for long... hee.. but i did play mahjong though wid rome.. and we went to watch mr and mrs smith later.. and yar... ferlin and i have gd taste!!! haha... hots yar? still getting pangs of sadness though but i'm excited abt retreat!!!!!.... did i mention i bought Camp's Stay?

Understand
Jeremy Camp

Every time I fall down on my face
I see the one who bore all my shame
To know that you are everything I need you to be
You're my ever present help in time of need

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again
Every pain I feel inside my heart
It takes a faith I know I can't depart

To know that you hear every cry I raise to you
Bringing thoughts of hope the words I bring I know are few

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again
You hear me when I call
You're there when I fall
You hear me when I call

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again...

how i'm feeling this days.. fluctuating fluctuating

holding on to you. 11:22 PM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

eee.... i think i'm so distracted.... work work...

it still hurts but i wanna thank God for the relationship (however undefined it was) ....

cause He taught me -
what loving another person was really all about
what it meant to put Him first in a relationship
how i could have handled the ending better
to trust in Him

cause He showed me -
the flaws in my showing of love
my own flawed view of love
tt He'll nvr leave me

cause He forgave me -
for the idiot and the meanie i was

cause He loved me regardless and more than anyone else ever could

and now i am -
seeing it through His eyes
less frivolous in my frenships wid pple and ideas on getting into a relationship
trying to get on my feet again

(all this revelation because of my conversation with my jnr)

okies... actually today was quite gd.. i've been quite disciplined.. almost done wid climo gonna start on geomo soon..

had lunch wid the guys just now.. they're trying to figure out why i haven't been growing.. how i noe? haha...

ian: how come u everyday go out money nvr finish one
me: orhz... pple treat mah... everytime also ask me to eat more then they buy food for me
ian: then still dun grow... kaoz... all of us sec 1 clothes can't wear le.. only u...
jon: i think last time pple treat me so many times tt's why i so fat
ian: mai xian lah tt one ur own fault

me: jon sometimes i feel like dying
jon: go lor....bye bye

but later i think i was quite down then i was stabbing at the prata.. they both looked quite concerned...
ian: shit lah.. which guy?

jon: i'm sure i'll eat faster than u lor.. //he had 2/3 prata i had 1/4 left//
me: see i finish le... haha
ian: happy for wat... he eat 3, u only finish 1 ...
bleahz

hanging arnd wid them.. see all the bad habits sprouting again... picking doors/ gates .. walking wid bad posture, lousy language.. brain degenerating from watching too much sponge bob wid them... heh.. but i noticed today they actually crossed the road legally using the traffic light... i think they were gonna go the other bus stop but they thought better to walk me back in case i decide to jump into the middle of traffic or something... and they're actually only going to lan for like 2 hrs then going library.. tell me.. is something amiss?

the situation at the field :

//ian returns from library empty handed//
me: where's the book?
ian: dun have all on loan or in somewhere else
//chin appears//
ian: aye u see this list u got any of the books not?
//chin takes list see then throw//
chin: wat's this? dunno lah.. i dun read one.. house no book.
dan: harry potter also dun haf?
chin: harry potter watch movie can liao... .. wat dinosaur in a haystack... needle more like it..
ian: wah lao.. waste time....

ian: aye chin learn game lehz
*hao kicks ball far far away
chin: sian.. dun want..
//we all sit down play thumbs game.... after long long time... hao loses//
ian: go take ball
hao: siao.. i kick one why i take
ian: u kick one so u take lah...

ian: yay... hippo holiday!!!
me: cleaner air
dan: grass can breathe a bit

chin: why u wear boots still bring slippers
dan: cause u see this... this is boots.. got the sharp sharp thing.. i wear slipper here so won't hurt the floor...

ian (wearing white): white shirts vs the rest ah... aye.. i go home first
dan: aye shit.. later ian go home change shirt...

*chin fussing arnd abt hao and dan throwing chewing gum on floor
dan: so particular for wat?
chin: last time someone throw then i sit down on the field sat on the gum..
dan: damn pro

o... leekiong came out today....
dan: aye.. brad pitt
me: where got?
//lk chases dan for calling him brad... they go on for like forever//
dan: i'm sorry ok.. sorry... dun want brad dun want brad...
hao: noodle want not?

me: sheesh chin and ian their team.. anyhow zham.. we die
hao: no die lah.. jon mouth can score three goal liao
jon (in the distance) : AYE!!! WE START FIRST LAH!! HAVEN'T START YET!!! NOT COUNT!
hao: see... mouth can liao... no goal sure goal...

later on in game
//lk screams as ball approaches.. chin scores//
jon: not like tt scream one.. no use... learn from me *jon screams
jon: aye... wait tt one not counted i teaching my team mate how to scream
//jon passes ball to lk// *lk screams and misses the ball
jon: not now lah!

//ball flies away once again//
jon: go take lah chin do u some gd
chin: say tt to urself man
jon: aye this is senior taf club member advising u sia
*sees lk go and get ball
dan: see there goes the taf club member
me: aye dun say liddat lah.. pple motivated to lose weight..
// see lk kick ball arnd and arnd and somehow it goes further and further away instead of coming back on the pitch//
hao: seriously motivated... *everyone shakes head*

brian: aye lk u go their team we give them 20 packets apollo biscuit
me: aye why u give him away... no one help us pick ball when fly away
// sees lk run all the way to the other teams side just to pick ball
jon: see he pick for both sides.. no worry... brian wanna ram him
me: oh....

half way thru match.. it becomes a lobang game .. rules are as follows:
1. u ole (shoot btwin person's legs) person.. person owe u one kosong.. (later tonite supper)
2. u ole main person the whole team treat each of the other team members one kosong.
main person for chin team - lk , our team - zhengwen

//sees hao and i jumping arnd wid feet tgt//
rome: wah lao.... doing crazy things again

*ball approaches goal post wid lk as goalie
brian: aye quick lets ole him
//lk stands straight as a bean pole in the middle of the goal//
//brian scores//
brian: goal!!!! ... //lk's team mates swear//
dan: wah lao... damn dumb

ole game ended wid everyone trying to force open the main person's legs... looked really obscene... not to mention.. the conversations were fantastic...
brian: aye lk u dun open ur legs we ram until u open ah...
brian: still dun open.. we force ah...

tonite yay!!! 3 free pratas!!! i think jonny got 15 or something
in the distance.... our gambling king
brian: aye hao we try score from here who cannot we owe the other person 5 pratas
//after dunno how long..//
brian: aye.. now 10 pratas...
hao: siao.. i dun want play lah!

thanks guys for being arnd me (brking ur own rules of brking all the rules)... even though i think u guys really have no idea wat to do with me :)

to all the pple out there who have nothing better to do... stop asking me abt wat i feel abt ben and her being tgt on sat... I DON'T CARE, WE'RE NOT TGT NVR WERE TGT PROB NVR WILL BE TGT AND HE'S NOT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE.. so just get the hell away from me... i dun wanna see any co pple.. seriously... just leave me alone.. please...

holding on to you. 1:51 AM

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

thanx jenn for yesterday... he really affirmed wat God was trying to say during my QT yesterday... the problem didn't lie in me distracting myself from him or them.. the problem lay in the fact tt i was distracting myself from God.. and this morning while i was praying.. i think there's still unforgiveness... unforgiveness directed at myself... i haven't forgiven myself for the way i treated him..

went out wid pas becks today.. quite happy to finally haf someone who really really understands.. its quite scary cause our experiences are so similar... i feel quite affirmed in my actions too.. but i think she's a lot stronger than i am...a lot more focused too.. i used to be... but u noe it's like tt song... "i'm looking for that missing person"... haha.. after tt talk wid her i feel like i've lost all faith in guys...haiz...dunno...i love pas becky really... haha.. God really has a strange way of making our paths cross.. till now i dun even noe why i'm tt close to her..

i felt so confident then when i was wid becky.. now tt i'm back home.. i dunno... i feel miserable...i did my QT le.. but my heart has no peace...my house is a mess.. the pple in my house are a mess.. i dun even haf space to worship or pray... gosh i realised tt mite be the last time i see becky b4 she goes to japan le....haiz.. i can't stand this...i don't need all this.. i don't need all these problem with my parents now tt i'm facing this... my hearts getting torn in all directions.. i need a break... mayb i need to disappear from everything...after today he'll be leaving tmr... mayb it'll make things easier cause i noe i can't call, can't msg can't anything...or at least it's supposed to make me feel happier.. but i'm not.. i'm really not... i just feel miserable... so many things on my mind....

decided to put this up.. not really appropriate.. but somewat lah

Missing person

Still searching for that boy who had the faith to move a mountain. want the fire back.

Another question in me
One for the powers that be
It’s got me thrown and so
I put on my poker face
And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Can’t help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a
Rock beating inside of me
So I reel, such a stoic ordeal
Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel?

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That’s chipping away at my soul
I’ve been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home?

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Lord i need You... I really really need You...

holding on to you. 9:12 AM

Monday, June 06, 2005

blogging second time in a day... sheer sign of boredom.. also a sign of me moving into distraction again... haiz girl.. face it le lah... stop distracting urself.... the gm pple haha... sigh... distracting... brainless mindless fun...

i almost forgot how fun soccer was... 3 mths of abstinence... gosh... gm moments

*before match.. two sn girls tt like our dan...brian on other side of field.. hao rome dan and i on the other
rome: aye come already... (girls walking towards gate)
me: aye dan quick shoot
//shoots and miss//
hao: sucks man.. oh... trying to act seh ah...aye try again.. quick quick...
rome: aye coming...
me: jia you lah...
//dan sits on chair dismally//
//tries again.. got quite close but misses//
us grimace (2 girls already at door)
brian: wtf.. jordan u suck!!!
us: wah lao.. look lah.. girls lah... (girls walk past le)
brian: oh.. aye.. jordan u rock man! wah tt was damn good.. jordan u're damn good!!!
dan: wah lao....

hao (with ball addressing hippo) : i kick then u run
hippo : i kick then u run
hao : i kick then u run
*goes on for abt another 5 min... everyone else is plucking grass or looking at the sky
hippo: i kick then u run
//kicks ball and passes to jordan who is beside hao.. jordan runs of with ball//
hao: aye.. wah.. aye nvr pass to me !!!!!

team1: goal
team2: pole
team1: goal
team2: pole
team1: goal
team2: pole
team1: goal
team2: pole
someone: aye it rhymes!!!!
us: huh? *scratch head action (stupid idiosyncracies.. haha)

brian: aye boy.. go open the door.. yar.. open the gate wide wide
us: why?
brian: so when the bus come i can run
us: huh? *all with the scratch head action.. * aye come le!!!
// sees brian rushing off to bus frantically// (brian's going to study.. *shrugs* there's always a first)

//dan dribbling//
//chin comes along and hugs him//
dan: wah?
//team mate runs away with the ball//
penalty!!!!

*after instructions to just shoot on sight
*sees ball flying into distance for the second time
ian: see who sit down last...
//everyone lends promptly on butt.. leaving kk last but he accuses steward//
ian: see who lie down last...
ian: who vote chin go take ball
//everyone raises hands//

*sees ball flying into distance third time or more... either by ian or chin
ian: chin go take
chin protests
ian: come lets sit down play game...
//everyone happily sits down, thumbs all displayed..//
chin: aiyar play soccer wat play game.. aye.. u all ah....wah lao...i go pick la sure lose one
(actually half the pple dunno how to play the game... he's not the only one.. some thumb game lah) //chin go pick ball again//

*sees ball flying into distance again
ian: come we play game again...
chin: i go home le la
ian: very fun one... very fast one
*after like forever
// hao loses//
us: go take...

*sees ball flying into distance again for the gezillionth time because of ian.. as usual...
chin: i go home
ian: chin go home we all all go home

haha.. all the nonsense and still... hao and i waving madly everytime we score goal...
rome: siao ah.. u think wat.. drawing rainbow ah?

o yar.. hippo actually scored one goal today
ian/dan/hao: fantastic er... dunno.. goal?... first and last... first and last..

spent the time after soccer hangin round the place and playing "ji koh bah".. haha.. ian dun want to play wid me... scary sia.. the front part u haf to win the scissors paper stone.. but some how for like 10 over times we keep putting the same thing.. haha... great minds think alike.. anyway he dun want play wid me... sob...
steward: aye how u do that ah.. put all the same? (btw he dunno how to play.. liddat sure can't learn)
rome: cheat ah?
me: huh? no.. dunno

cont talking bout dota and stuff.. rome making saliva fountains... then out of boredom started to kick ball and lobang pple... sian sian but fun....

sad didn see jon arnd... more taf club!!! heehee.. poor jon.. quick pass napfa lah..

think tonite playing mah jong..

see ... i'm getting all distracted again... arghz!!!!!

something jenn told me...

did u know how come people who suffered from leprosy loses their fingers and toes, noses, ears or eyes? Coz their nerve endings are dead they cannot feel pain and thus do not know how much pressure the apply on their body and so they dub themselves off. They didn't feel pain. But I see pain as a gift. It shows that some parts of our body needs attention. So if there is pain in your emotions, then there is something that u need to do about it, if not it will eat u up and u will just die emotionally w/o knowing. It's not about distracting urself from them but return to God and repent for being distracted from Him

Ask urself, is God not powerful enuf too lift ur problems? If he overcame death, what is a broken heart? U know who's heart at the hardest to heal? Those who kept saying "WOE IS ME WOE IS ME" . Everything in their lives is about them, their successes, woes and nothing else. They are too full of themselves until they dun see God. Yes, I am talking about Christians Those who suppose to have the power of God in them, live as if God is useless. God can heal ur mind. Ur perspective of things must be thru the Spirit's eye

sounds harsh rite? but jenn's a great guy...as it is written in Proverbs - "better is open rebuke than hidden love. wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy mulitplies kisses"

holding on to you. 9:01 PM

so this is it Lord... it hurts so much... so much...

One Day At A Time
Jeremy Camp

One day at a time i will walk this road i've traveled so far
One day at a time well i know i will carry on
One day at a time i can see you took my life this far
One day at a time i will take this faith along

All this hope i breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and i'll take all i will
To understand this plan You have for me, for me

I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways i never knew i would I can't feel Your fullness in my life
Well i've been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways i never knew i would I can't feel Your fullness in my life

One day at a time i will take these words You've given me
One day at a time i will rest in knowing You
One day at a time i will share this gift You've given me
One day at a time i will walk these valleys through

All i know is that i see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by Your side
And i'll give all i can to one day soon
Be held by Your hand, by Your hand

In all these things i will press on
I'll be with You i know it wont be long

holding on to you. 2:44 PM

Sunday, June 05, 2005

planned to go for youth service... haha.. but when ez came along i just broke down .. like totally... i dunno... i feel like i'm walking around with a gaping wound...

went mad later in the day.. kept laughing and laughing when all i really felt like was crying and crying... haiz.. thanks vonne, choo and "dad" for being arnd and fooling around with me.. i think u all were quite worried cause i like very cheng qiang... i dunno lah.. i'm just blocking everything out... thanks choo for talking to me i'm so sorry i haven't been talking to u for such a long time... promise.. and u guys are really evil.. stop trying to hook me up wid johann... the poor guy just innocently hangs arnd.. anywayz.. i'm not interested... prob won't be interested in anyone for a long long time

learnt a lot frm my cousin today... dunno why suddenly talk to me anyway

i think my spiritual unfitness is quite evident... cx's gonna call later... prob gonna get hell from her... seriously....

I need you here...
I need you here...
you're like the rain that falls...
fall on this heart and make me new...

Though mountains maybe moved...
and fall into the raging seas...
you'll never let me fall...
you hold me in your nail scarred hands.

holding on to you. 9:34 PM

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see
I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

posted it b4.. just felt like posting it again...

Everything we lose and find is hidden in the sinking sand

holding on to you. 11:52 PM

Friday, June 03, 2005

was so distracted during pnp tonite...my heart was so heavy... but thank You Lord for revealing the harsh truth to me... i'm sorry my heart's been so far away...

I'm desperate for You....
I'm lost without You....

thanks for jenn.. for his encouragement...

and yar... i think i like the filipinos a lot... actually i like to see the nations worship... pple of other races... my heart just shouts and cries in joy... tt's where my heart it...

into your hands/ i commit again/ with all I am/ for you Lord/ you hold my world/ in the palm of your hand/ and I'm yours forever/CHORUS/Jesus I believe in you/ Jesus I belong to you/ you're the reason that I live/ the reason that I sing/ with all I am/ I'll walk with you/ wherever you go/ through tears and joy/ I'll trust in you/ and I will live in all of your ways and your promises forever/

I will worship I will worship you forever

holding on to you. 11:08 PM

Thursday, June 02, 2005

it was good to see the rest of the com today.. i think bl, xz and i had fun... alloy's dress sense was really really wrong.. it was awful and scary.. anywayz... lunch was not bad lah wasn't the disaster i thought it would be..

met ian, dan and hao on the way home... haha.. fooling arnd in the bus again... papers thrown around.. annoying the bus driver.. some times i think they'll nvr grow up... they're thinking of mahjong one of these days.. *guilty* didn turn up at the field again today.... sorry guyz.....

holding on to you. 10:25 PM

dad upgraded my com... lost a lot of sites i saved under my favourites.. ah well.. can't really be bothered to get them all back... some memories and blogs are better forgotten... arghz... SATs are such a bore.. can u believe it the paper is almost 4 hrs... studies have shown tt a normal human concentrates best at spans of 1/2 hrs... tt's 8 times the length.. haiz.. as serene once said.. it's more of a test of endurance... yar.. i usually do better in front.. towards the end.. like sections 8, 9, 10 haha.. u see a downward sloping curve in terms of the no. of correct answers... going for the alloy thingy later.. dun realli noe why i'm goin.. i guess cause every1 else is.. and after all i have known him for 9 yrs..though.. haiz.. recently he's becoming more of a pain then anything else... i suggested getting him a card out of courtesy or something.. after all he was our chair and he did treat us like a couple of times.... haiz.. i think the guys will kill me... haha.. ben has been trying to persuade me not to go.. i think i'm falling sick.. feel realli slpy.. another reason not to go.... shikes!!! ferlin is coming on the same day my cts start... arghz.. and she won't be staying for long cause her sch starts real soon in july... no time to play, hang out and stuff.... which reminds me tt i shud make my appearance at the field soon... as ian puts it.. "ur first appearance in three months" ...haiz.. dunno.... it's been raining.. and i guess i've just got loads of stuff to do...rambling

holding on to you. 10:37 AM

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

everytime i think i've overcome it i fall in again... i think ez was very angry with me today... i deserve it..

should i go for pnp or regional outing?
pnp
but that would be selfish
you're already being selfish

you choose it. you don't want to move. you're addicted

harsh words... i wish i could say they all weren't true...

am i ... really?

holding on to you. 9:14 PM