Tuesday, May 31, 2005
I feel disappointed.. i dunno why... actualli i do.. nvm.. dun think so much
anywayz.. retreat briefing.. found it quite ridiculous tt they made us go for the adult one... wasted quite a lot of time.. but i thot the game usher things was so cute.. i think the adult side is getting more and more interesting.... and well this yr.. i can slack!.. haha... yar.. so it's more time wid God i guess... but i think in youth it's always realli upbeat and exciting ah well...
hmmz... joel made us think abt wat we wanted to achieve from retreat so for me i guess:
1. To know His will... esp since this yr is like this major deciding thingy
2. To be set free.. esp from.. yar .. tt
3. To learn to trust Him more
4. To grow in my ministry
5. To see my kids grow
wat i gotta do abt it.. hmmz.. i dunno.. pray?
somehow i feel realli sad now... betrayed... the patriachs will kill me if they see me like this...
holding on to you.
10:58 PM
listening to savage garden... haha.. amusingly this would have been my theme song a few days/a week back... lol....
The lover after me (part of it)
Here I go again /I promised myself /I wouldn´t think of you today/It´s been seven months and counting/You´ve moved onI still feel exactly the same/It´s just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name/Like photographs and memories of love/Steel and granite reminders/The city calls your name and I can´t move on
Ever since you´ve been gone/The lights go out the same/The only difference is/You call another name/To your love/To your lover now/To your love/The lover after me
Am I all alone in the universe?/There´s no love on these streets/I have given mine away to a world that didn´t want it anyway/So this is my new freedom/It´s funnyI don´t remember being chained/But nothing seems to make sense anymore/Without you I´m always twenty minutes late
Here I go againI promised myself I wouldn´t think of you todayBut I´m standing at your doorwayI´m calling out your name because I can´t move
so sweet right?haha... okies girl... anywayz.. i think i'm moving on... though a bit of me scares me sometimes
retreat briefing today!!!!. so exciting!!!!! retreat!!!!!!
holding on to you.
10:20 AM
Monday, May 30, 2005
haha.. i survived ruth's house.. didn bake in the end thanx to our indecisiveness and the non-cow (mingfei) who came earli :) ..haha... spent most of the time playing ps 2... yes.. me who has onli touched tt monstrosity twice...there.. i haf figured tt quidditch is not my game..(shane let me like score one goal.. and tt was it) neither is mortal combat though i whacked (or should i say impale) mingfei twice.. he being a beginner as well tt doesn really say much bout my skills..haha.. anywayz i think the guys let me win most of the (little) time.. so u can't exactly take it for a fair game... hee.. but apart frm tt i think the lotr thingy was fun... yar.. and yes.. i'm actualli quite gd at the table soccer thingy.. the finger kind..haha... but it was realli funny cause it was this lego set and the guys started to replace the players wid lotr lego pieces...
i think i eat a lot of junk everytime i go to ruth's house... from chips to gd food (ruth's family is amazing when it comes to food) to ice cream to tea to fruits... haha.. and derek.. mean derek who says i eat too little gaf me too much rice and too big of a helping :P ...arghz.. i think i'm gonna get indigestion and i'm gonna put on all tt little weight aunt helen says i've lost... oh grief.....
so sad i had to leave earlier... haha.. derek looked so stress having a heart to heart conversation with ruth's mum... poor thing... yea.. shane and mingfei finally managed to pass tt level.. haha.. and i missed the exciting part of the game apparently.. and yes dear ruth... we didn haf time to spend tgt.. it was still altogether great... :)
i think i haven't had a happy entry for a long long time... melancholic..as Eustachia would say "it is my nature to feel like that. it was born in my blood i suppose" ...hehe.. excuse
listening to Mercyme.. reminded of this song once again...
Why would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end.. Why would I spend my time pointing to another man.. Isn’t that crazy How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen.. How can I learn your way is better In everything I’m taught to be.. Isn’t that crazy And if I boast let me boast Of filthy rags made clean And if I glory let me glory In my Savior's suffering Isn’t that crazy And as I live this daily life I trust you for everything And I will only take a step When I feel You leading me Isn’t that crazyI have not been called to the wisdom of this world..
But to a God who's calling out to me..
And even though the world may think
I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity
holding on to you.
10:37 PM
Sunday, May 29, 2005
thank God for ruth! excited bout visiting her tmr... going to bake! sing songs have fun... visit her dubious but surely holy toilet.. haha.. power praise was.. hmmz.. not as emo today.. but just enjoying the presence of the Lord... Sus had a bit of prob today though.. was quite worried.. affected my worship for awhile..quite glad to see all my girls at cell today... happier still tt they're going for street e ... yay!... anywayz... it was quite a boring day.. been slping a lot... lack of slp is catching up wid me... arghz!... my mum says i shud go and exercise... do me some gd.. keep me more alive... hehe... mayb i shall....
letting go :)
missed brenda today.. sadly...Hillsong - Consuming Fire
There must be more than this/O breath of God come breathe within/There must be more than this/ Spirit of God we wait for You/ Fill us anew we pray/ Fill us anew we pray/ (Chorus) Consuming fire fan into flame/ A passion for Your Name/ Spirit of God fall in this place/ Lord have Your way/ Lord have Your way with us/ Come like a rushing wind/ Clothe us with power from on high/ Now set the captives free/ Leave us abandoned to Your praise/ Lord let Your glory fall/ Lord let Your glory fall/ Stir it up in our hearts Lord/Stir it up in our hearts Lord/ Stir it up in our hearts Lord/ A passion for Your Name.There must be more than this...
holding on to you.
9:57 PM
Saturday, May 28, 2005
it would be crazy to choose this world over eternity...girl.. enuf le..gosh even ur oblivious mother can tell... no more tears no more pain... just let it go.. no more thoughts... ur pain and ur sorrow has affected ur covering over ur girls... ur sus is turning suicidal... ur dav has his probs...girl stand up and walk away.. u can't keep thinking about whether he'll get hurt....
for now.. just walk away and trust Him
let go, let God...
I need your healing Lord more than ever before.
holding on to you.
11:20 AM
Monday, May 23, 2005
i've had enough of tears... would it matter to him if i weren't there? has he already found someone else to replace me? i dun want to see him... i dun want to hear wat he has to say.. i'm afraid of getting hurt.. i dun want him to avoid me.. i dun want to be so clingy... wth is my problem... i'm afraid i'll nvr find someone who'll ever love me as deeply.. i'm afraid i'll nvr love anyone tt deeply...
once again
i'd rather be a friend that's by your side till the end of time then the gf tt goes in and out of ur life...
holding on to you.
8:46 PM
it's finally over... it sunk in yesterday... from an all time high to an all time low.. haha.. slacked the whole of yesterday.. and i guess an idle mind's the devil's workshop.. i dunno why i said wat i said or did wat i did yesterday..girl girl u're such a fool.... wat do u want huh?
i need to get back to the Lord... and realli my friendships(currently referring to a particular one) have not been right before Him.. all i'm doing now is wrecking tt friendship which a lot of pple haf alreadi told me to treasure... and i realli do treasure it.. just tt in my fear i've been panicking and not knowing wat to do... spent a whole lot of time praying and seeking Him.. i'd like to think i'm set free... it's time to focus on loving my Lord b4 learning to love anyone else... cause until i learn tt (which i have but haf forgotten) i'm nvr gonna let go and i'm always gonna hurt... tt's the reason i could let go half a yr back... gosh i'm sounding incoherent and lacking clarity.. ah well... it's my blog :P ... can't be bothered to edit.. thank God tt He's gracious and merciful.. i'm standing on my feet again... all i can say is i wish tt he, ben, will forgive me and my rashness and honesty and a whole lot of crap i said in my desperation and fear....
back to co.. i'm gonna miss my tby... realli realli realli... for the joy the pain(hehe.. u guys getting whacked) and everything else... even the hardwork.... guys pls dun cry.. it really brks my heart.... but yar...i'm also glad it's over.. and finally.. time to study mug and spend time with my beloved Jesus...
holding on to you.
10:29 AM
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
thanks to all my bros and sisters who were supporting me in prayer these few days. thanks to shane and ruth who gave me sweets and derek who watched over me while i slept.. raphael for just being there even though he keeps teasing me.. haiz.. i feel like an idiot some times i dunno why i get so worried bout stuff tt i shudn be worried abt.. i wonder why some things bother me... i feel quite uncomfortable and i find it realli difficult to trust him... i must stop thinking so much.. darn.... is it jealousy? as cx said, envy starts with expectation..wat do i expect then?
haiz.. i'm going to miss my jnrs... hee.. but we're gonna watch starwars tmr! so exciting.... haha...
holding on to you.
11:56 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2005
for the past few days been feeling a lot of things lately... dreading end of co... miserable cause of wat ivan said... afraid of losing ben...after all the majority of my jc life is filled of memories with him of him... afraid i'll haf nthg to say to him anymore just like i realise tt for others like xq or even my mei i realy won't even haf anything to say to them... i mean i'm not as entertaining as the xyz pple..haiz.. this constant nagging fear... besides.. my work is falling behind... arghz... econs and math test next week.. listening to chmm has just made me feel sadder and sadder.. somehow it just brings back a lot of memories....
but even in the midst of this.. i just wanna thank God for being there.. for restoring my joy..
i've found my center... and thank you ben for the words of reassurance.. mayb it's just words.. mayb just being patronizing (me being highly cynical) but it mattered...
holding on to you.
11:51 PM
Monday, May 09, 2005
1 week plus left... it's gonna come to an end soon... damn it.. i dun want it to end! xq just makes me more depress and ben.. haiz.. he doesn give a shit.. i got so worried and upset on sat... i realised how i've failed as a section leader.. no matter how i try i can't make them practise willingly i can't get them to be united.. i wonder how christine did it? haiz... 1 week plus left... goodness... doesn sh realise? why can't my section just work hard and play hard why do they haf to haf so many disciplinary problems.. gosh why do i even care?when i leave i guess the pple who'll really matter will be the nac pple, the other 2 liuqin girls, my batch mates (with some exceptions/mayb just 1) tt kinda makes me feel guilty as well..
holding on to you.
1:07 AM
Friday, May 06, 2005
haiz... i feel pathetic and silly.. this possessiveness is getting out of hand.. i need to start praying and i need to get my focus back on God. i haven't been gloryfying God wid my relationships esp those wid my frens.. and yes.. i have just been extremely petty and selfish. i need my center. i need to pray. i need to learn to love with the love that comes from Him alone.
can't wait to see my girls on sun.. i miss them dearly. feel like i haven't taught in a long long time... then again i wasn't in the right mind to teach either...
recently it's just been so much pain, so much hurt, too much tears and one too many rainy days
holding on to you.
11:51 PM
hmmz.. reasonable...
http://www.colorquiz.com/
er... sexual activity ???
Your Existing Situation
Working to improve her image in the eyes of others in order to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal
Your Restrained Characteristics
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Suffering from the effects of those things which are being rejected as disagreeable, and is strongly resisting them. Just wants to be left in peace.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Actual Problem
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants drives her to the exploitation of all types of experience, so that she may categorically deny that any of them has any value. This destructive denigration becomes her method of concealing hopelessness and a profound sense of futility.btw thank u "dad" for being there yest :) i feel much much better and i finish my essay! the supposed most diff of them all
holding on to you.
1:40 AM
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
gold... we didn do very well or very badly either... some pple were in tears.. i wanted why we were so sad anywayz.... haiz... i won't say i'm not disappointed cause tt would be a lie but to be saddened to tears now tt's something else all together... i had a hard time cheering my jnrs up... but i guess in the end we did haf fun though someone was a bit of a wet blanket... as xq said... 3 more weeks left.. just 3 more weeks... i'll miss my jnrs.. really.. they've made co bearable at times and enjoyable at others.. i noe we exchange harsh words and even blows at times but i guess tt's just the tanbo way of showing affection...
i'll miss my jnrs... i'll miss the comm pple...
i dun want co to end.....
holding on to you.
10:17 PM
