Saturday, April 30, 2005
gosh syf is drawing nearer and nearer.. it's my last syf and also the scariest.. frankly speaking i dun want the days to draw to an end... the reason is largely not out of fear but just tt i'll miss the pracs we haf esp the times wid my jnrs. i noe they can be cows(the guys) some times but yea...i'll miss all the opportunities i haf to bully them.. them teasing me.. they being late for practice, playing pokemon walking too slowly for my liking to s11.. nonsensical betting, ranting, maniacal laughter and the list goes on... my jnrs rock!!! :) . anywayz go tanbo!!! and yes.. i'm finally improving.. thank you Jesus for seeing me thru all the nonsense and everything everything everthing... haiz.. now i dun feel like touching my hw... i just can't stop thinking bout co... sob... i dun want these few days to end... i dun want concert to come so soon... (i dun want my work to pile up too) ...haiz.. lets jia you for syf....
holding on to you.
10:43 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
my "dad" is back!!!!!! *cries in joy* i missed u!!!!!! and i'm sure someone else does too *winks* Thank God for her though.. she's been really really nice to me... been trying to look after me since he's gone..
holding on to you.
11:14 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD ;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
a reflection of my thoughts
i'm weary, sick and tired. barely holding on. He's sustaining me... i noe tt... i long for change but change doesn come.. why why why does nething happen.
in any case.. thank u daniel for just holding me when i really needed someone today.
been thinking bout ben. he's someone special to me, definitely. it saddens me tt he tries to push me away some times...our of fear or disgust... who noes?.. and i noe the cause was probably my cruelty. i dunno wat to say.. i just deserve it. i'm trying not to get too troubled by it. all i ask for is a deeper frenship tt's all.. i'm just trying to build things up again.. it's just tt circumstances dun seem to agree wid me... i'm just feeling a deep sense of hurt... a hurt tt is not to be misinterpreted as tt of un reciprocated love... just a losing of a close fren...
mayb it's just me being oversensitive and melancholic... haiz... stress added on by my current state of health can take all the blame..
i suddenly feel as if i shudn haf written the whole chunk on top.
holding on to you.
8:21 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005
i'm walking between the living and the dead waiting for a phone call that will never come. i've lost all hope in myself. i dunno why.. i'm just not thinking u noe... my spirit is shattered, the hurts are too much, the exhaustion is overwhelming. i'm falling falling falling into oblivion. haiz.. my mind fails to form coherent sentences...
i need a miracle.
where are You?
wondering if i shud even appear at school tmr...
holding on to you.
11:18 PM
Sunday, April 24, 2005
i nearly gotten knocked down today... sometimes i wish i did.. then i wouldn haf to face everything.. sometimes it just sux....i need to get a hole to bury myselfi just realised i forgot sus's b'day.. had too many things on my mind today... i made ez cry again... haven't done tt in a really long time.. i dunno wat's wrong wid me.. i need out.. i'm tired i'm weary i hate this world... haiz.. yk and i are gonna form this suicide/cynics club in class or something... i wish i could learn to trust God more... till now i'm still praying.. wat's wrong wid me....ez says if i love him i will look after myself and stop making him hurt... i don't think i would stop making such decisions or having such thots because of him.. wat's keeping me sane is just God.. and the responsibility for my girls...somehow i realise i'm not as close to ez as i used to be...
holding on to you.
11:32 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2005
today we've been talking bout the concept of childhood during gp of which towards the end she started to talk about suffering from mid-life crisis. i took quite long to grasp the concept. apparently at a certain age pple want to be young again cause most pple generally haf a happier childhood. well, ms ho thinks i'll nvr suffer frm it. coming to think of it.. it's quite sad... there's nthg happy i remember bout my childhood.. only the bad things.. i haf no idea whether it's a curse or a blessing but i move on quite easily.. dun dwell about the past and the wave of nostalgia hardly hits me.. almost nthg has ever kept me back... the closest thing would prob be pple.. and those hardly even reach 5.
i'm so sorry i blew up at ben yesterday.. i feel worse tt i'm so xiao qi.. and the whole thing was a misunderstanding... i dunno wat's wrong wid me... it shouldn matter to me.. shud it? i dun want to think.. cause tt's wat messed everything up in the first place...
everything just went too fast... and i guess it freaked me.. i mean who wouldn't? then, he's the closest to a bf tt i've ever got... i dunno wat's going on now.. quite confused... and i'm too afraid to sort out my feelings... i dun even noe if i shud type this here cause it'll jus mess things up.. in any case.. i probably pushed him real far away by now it's too late... like i said, i didn haf any right to get angry in the first place.. i'm so tired... haha.. i'm hallucinating.. keep hearing boogie woogie in my head.. too much jazz... kk.. work work work to do...
holding on to you.
9:41 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
i realised i've been quite down lately.. had my joy misplaced... i wonder how i made it thru the week realli... i've just been living by His grace.
quite happy today... my kids haven't been soooo lively for such a long time. Thank you Jesus... i even had to make sure they get back on track.. and u noe wat... i dun think it's one of the best lessons i taught today.. but i thank God cause they really remember wat they learnt today... tt's the power of God.. not my strength or wisdom but His and His alone...and yes.. today ez prayed for me... thank you old man.. love u so much... the power of God was AWESOME today... totally amazing.. it just saturated the place... and realli it was wonderful...
during svc met pas becky today too.. she's so happy to get her takuya back..haha... and yes.. rach choo is so cute... she waited wid me for brenda today... i feel so stress for them... ez, rach and all having exams now.. but rach is ok lah.. she'll do fine... realli admire her and matthew.... they're realli focused on God.. i dunno how they do it.. i just fail and fall flat miserably..
right now i'm just walking on water. it's tiring it's scary.. i dun like it... i dunno where i'm going, i dunno wat i'm doing.. i feel like i'm being forced into a lot of circumstances i'm unused to... like in sch, in church, in co... still i noe He's holding me....
finding tt joy i've lost
holding on to you.
9:43 PM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
not surprising i beat everyone to the lowest on the happiness scale... haiz... "my joy has been misplaced" ...
i hate this... i nvr wanted to do it... just because my jnr refuses to practice and refuses to do it. bilin shud do it. if onli i weren't the sl.. waste of time wid the stupid meetings and stupid squabbles over the yin zhun when the qin is just bu zhun... even hls says so lah...and in any case... i suck.. tt's the be all and end all.. i'm nvr gonna make it in time.. even wid 1 mth or less... i shud just disappear u noe... i hate prac too... going down almost every other day.. i wish i didn haf to do this. mayb i shud just skip everything then they won't haf any choice but to kick me... hooray....
i haf lost hope in all...
holding on to you.
10:11 PM
Thursday, April 07, 2005
quite annoyed wid my class lately.. quite annoyed wid a lot of things... quite out of sorts today... haiz... it's just tt.. she wants me to go see a counsellor... well... i had enuf of those pple.. it's not like i dun see pple or anything.. i dun see the pt.. we just sit arnd and play mind games... rite now i just dun haf the time for such stuff.. plus i've been operating fine till she came along and dug up the thrash in my backyard... haiz.. mayb the fact tt it can be dug up is a matter of qn itself... i'm quite disappointed wid some pple in my class... haiz.. wat christian love... all i see is mere selfishness.... of all pple...haiz.. i guess we're all selfish in some ways.. but today was.. i dunno.. mayb a bit too much...too much sighing too much sighing... sometimes i just wish it will all end and i could finally go home...no i'm not suicidal
holding on to you.
10:42 PM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
i finished watching 'pride'. nice show but i can't realli say i like the ending.. just seems a bit too unrealistic..then again it is a drama.. still..haha... the actors/actresses more or less made up for everything
and yar been thinking a lot about wat she said yesterday. it's true i'm a cynic.. though i still refuse to believe i'm as big a one as she says i am. more or less i've given up on human kind. it's not tt i dun care bout pple cause i do. it's just tt communication becomes one way. as she says we're the minority not the majority, not everyone is gonna be able to understand u. most of the time all they can do is brush it aside or keep quiet cause there's nothing they realli can say. they haven't been thru enuf to be able to feel the way u do. they dun really understand how it's affected the way u act or behave. u're like stuck cause pple end up hurting u or u end up misunderstood. at the end of the day it realli isn't abt forgetting and u realli haf to learn how to walk alone. as i told her.. sometimes it just sux. it's not abt hope cause i've got hope. hope in God. sometimes u just need a physical presence u noe. i dun need counsellors breathing down my neck or Godly counsel telling me to look towards the things of God. not saying tt isn't gd or i dun believe in tt.. it's just tt.. do u realli think i don't noe? i just need someone sometimes. pple can haf everyday problems and more or less the vast majority will be able to understand. but not for me.. almost nvr... so far onli her... and she's a teacher.. not someone i haf a desire to pour my heart and soul her.. even though i admire her.. i just can't feel i can trust her. xj always says tt there'll always be other pple worse off than u. As Eliot would say "the subtle and carried pains springing from the higher sensibility that accompanies higher culture, are perhaps less pitiable than that dreary absense of impersonal enjoyment and consolation which leaves ruder minds to the perpetual urgent companionship of their own grief and discontents" but sometimes, the worst part is not being ignorant and tt the pple arnd u lead so much better lives than u ever will. it's just... not fair.. not fair tt the pain comes.. not fair tt u haf to grow up faster than everyone else... not fair tt u haf to lead a life being misunderstood most of the time
not tt i would ever want to lead their lives either... ignorance is not necessarily bliss...
pain just sux....
been thinking too much and slowly slipping away.
maybe
holding on to you.
10:54 PM
Monday, April 04, 2005
i cried in sch today. i promised myself i wouldn't... not in front of my family or anyone else. haiz. i'm becoming weak. am i? i'm tired.. just so tired... sometimes i wish i didn haf to be there for everyone else...why is it tt no one's there for me? it's not tt i dun haf any hope.. it's just tt emotions are real.. and sometimes things just sux...
i dun haf any rite to expect anything from anyone
holding on to you.
9:13 PM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
can't wait for retreat!.. yay!!!! grace is going!!!! and she's bunking wid me!!!!! and i think we're both quite happy cause quite a few of our kids are going too... :) hee
message God had for me this week was patience... haha.. quite difficult to grasp for me.. i'm so impatient... inactivity kills me...haiz... kk.. must take time to wait upon the Lord... anywayz thinking too much has given me a headache... i love japan.... (tt was so random)
been feeling bouts of loneliness all my frens esp church frens are attached and disappearing... just this weekend i'm reminded of it again :( ...haiz... haven't gone out wid rach and joel c for a long long time... plus he's going and won't be back till 3 weeks later..haiz... well.. i met joel p today though... apart frm tt i feel ignored most of the time... okok.. now now.. stop wallowing in self pity... shall go watch "pride"..heee... kimura takuya is so cute... lol.. pas becks will agree wid me...
sobsobsob... a few weeks back i told pas beck i won't be sad if she goes.. but just today she told me she had 8 weeks left.. and i think i'm realli gonna feel sad if she leaves... she's one person i really can connect wid.. and def one person who understands me... but still..as sad as i am, i'm also happy she's leaving.. cause i for one believe in the cause of Japan...
heehee.. mayb one day i'll be there too.. i sincerely hope she never returns...
holding on to you.
10:17 PM
