Thursday, August 26, 2004
To Ben (rather playfully.. abt her) :
The More Loving One
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
W. H. Auden
holding on to you.
11:12 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Believe
by Hillsong United
I say on Sunday how much I want revival
But then on Monday, I can’t even find my Bible
Where’s the power
The power of the cross in my life
I’m sick of playing the game of religion
I’m tired of losing my reason for living
Where’s the power
The power of the cross in my life
I’m not content just to walk through my life, giving in
To the lies, Walking in compromises now
We cry out as a generation that was lost
But now is found in the power of the cross
Chorus:
We believe in You
We believe in the power of Your Word that is true
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You
I’m not satisfied doing it my own way
I’m not satisfied to do church and walk away
I’m not satisfied there’s no love in my life but You
I’m not satisfied living in yesterday’s hour
I’m not satisfied to have the form but not the power
I’m not satisfied, Lord I am crucified in You
(Chorus)
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You
i long for that closeness wid the Lord.. some times i just feel so tired so drained.. like today..haiz...
gotta worry bout math test too.. i wonder wat's wrong wid me... i can't seem to do math these days...
miss ez... still miss him...haiz... and he's not free to go out on sun...bigger sigh...
holding on to you.
12:53 AM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
As Ferlin and Ian go into mugging mood, i guess i've really got to settle down and start preparing for promos. tiredness... i really need to get rid of that...most importantly i need to start spending more time with God too...
realised how long i haven't spoke to justin today..
i had fun wid the girls and i'm so glad jolynn came to day... today was well.. great and not so great...some times i just feel so weak and so limited when i'm teaching them.. like today... it was like God wasn't there. haiz.. in any case i haven't been spending much time with Him this week... and last nite i actually fell asleep doing my preparation. kk.. really time to be serious... i ain't doing so well aren't i.... haiz.. and cx wants me to do something i'm not sure i wanna do..
saw ez today.. overwhelming sense of love and familiarity...... i miss him so.....
holding on to you.
4:11 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
sometimes i just wished God would just magically put my life in place.. it just doesn happen tt way.
things to do on sat currently :
- xiao zu (morn)
- nac prac (aft)
- get stuff frm pcx in church (aft and onli this week)
- Bible study wid the sec 1s (aft)
- go for cell grp (aft)
- go for YA service (evening)
and frm next month on :
piano lesson on sat (aft)
haha... now someone tell me how i'm gonna put all tt in one day
i'm screwed lah.. esp when next month comes...
and yes... i always try to put God first... but stilll ...arghz... i feel stressed...
and my mum's being utterly selfish abt the whole thing... she just doesn understand anything does she...
holding on to you.
11:11 PM
Here I Go Again
by Casting Crowns
Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away
So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go again
Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life
So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go... here I go...
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
You love him, You love him
What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard
something tt just keeps me wondering.....
today was terrible... miserable... i feel like just sitting back and not doing anything...
please please stop throwing tantrums at me.. all of u... haf u ever thought bout my feelings... all u ever do is think abt urselves.. do u noe how selfish u are? me not saying anything is not an indication that u can just step all over me.. i haf feelings too... and i haf the responsibility to see all this thru.. why don't u pple get tt?
practice was..terrible..i was so angry wid the conductor...
thank God for ben and xq....
holding on to you.
12:14 AM
Saturday, August 14, 2004
sectionals was.... uneventful......frankly speaking i've been pretty gloomy abt something lately... things just haven't been the same without christine.. and i guess i'm kinda pissed wid a few pple though i noe most of them dun mean much harm... haiz.. i dunno.. it just seems to me to be a form of selfish behavior.. ah well.. shant rant too much bout this
first bible study today... it was great!.. Praise the Lord! ..pity david cudn make it though.... btw, today was the first time after a long time that i went for cell too... it was... hmmz... not bad.... realise i can relate to xq pretty well.. haiz...i'll miss brenda though cause she's flying off...
can't wait for tmr...can't wait to see how God's just gonna move.. last week was just amazing...well... teachin cell.. and service! ... haha.. pity two of my kids can't make it tmr... well... g2g prepare lesson...
ian's so impatient.. we were supposed to haf a movie marathon and he didn wait for me... guess teacher's day was too far away for him... arghz.. i can't help it mah... too busy..
holding on to you.
9:43 PM
Thursday, August 12, 2004
requested by joe...btw.. i did write one b4.. and i think tt was the best of the lot.. so pardon me for the bad language
He stands here, bathing in the morning glow. In rumpled clothes and messy hair. Without pretense. He is there rubbing carelessly at the dishes, distracted by the bubbles that dance daintily out the window. The bubbles catch light reflecting colour and radiance on that deceitful surface. Like him, they are untouchable. Such an action could only bring destruction to that which is fragile, that which is beautiful.
Perhaps this is what it was meant to be - observing from that quiet distance.
I stand in the cold - waiting. For whom and what, it seems I haven't come to comprehend. The cold, it bites, sending shivers coursing through my body. It seems I were afraid. Of you? Perhaps. Why haven't I learnt? Once bitten twice shy so they say...
The wind blows, brushing by, ever changing - like your presence, that soft touch only to caress for a moment, hardly leaving its mark. All that remains - a chill.
How I wish your would appear. But as the wind, you come and go as you wish. For it the wind were to stop, it ceases to exist as the wind. All I can do is grasp - at wisp of air - catching hold of that lacking of your presence.
Sitting with you under the dull glow of the streat lamp, I wonder how much you remember of the first time we met. In that darkness, under that shadow of doubt. Yet for once, seeing with much clarity, our faces, alit by that small reliable source. Perhaps we've always been stumbling along the way, paths crossing due to our disfunction. Still, we find ourselves once again face to face, under all that ambiguity, where the gentle streams of light embrace us, bathing us with that warmth and comfort.
holding on to you.
1:16 AM
Saturday, August 07, 2004
and u wonder why i dun like to go home earli.. but instead hang arnd at nite.. haiz.. i wish i wouldn screw up everytime i return home earli... haiz... patience.. i need to pray
thank God this week for letting me haf the chance to share wid 3 pple
had a great lunch wid ferlin today... haha.. we had a great time thinking of wat we'd all be like 10 yrs down the road.. it's quite amusing actually.. ah well.. shall share some other time.. lol.. i may write a compilation of proses just on him.. so fun rite... i wrote another one today.. but it hasn't been refined yet...
saw joel c today!... so happy.. having lunch wid him tmr i think...
today has been such an exhausting day.. trying to put pple frm 3 diff schs together to practise a song is certainly not easy... not to mention three... gosh.. can't guys be more disciplined...
holding on to you.
11:47 PM
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
was a bit pissed at econs teacher today cause she complained tt i was slping in her class of which i was not... the day was spent ridiculously transposing scores of which weren't use in the end *glares at someone* .. anyway.. haha.. a & c rehearsals were funny... and i actually paid full attention during econs lect today.. so proud of myself... lalala..
practice was quite fun today cause i could actually plaedy the mega pieces quite well.. but was quite sad cause someone wasn't there to go home wid me after prac... it's like there's something missing somehow... now now.. we can't let those rumors keep on spreading.. haiz
arghz.. no black shirt for tmr... no white pants for friday.. arghz.. someone help me wid my wardrobe
dinner wid ferlin was great.. we shud go out for dinner more often!...haha.. told her so much..a lot of stuff tt i normally wouldn... looking at the both of us wid completely diff character and personalities.. it's really amazing how we can actually click... actually felt tt the time we spent together was too short today...
holding on to you.
10:27 PM
feeling happy... haha... finally getting all tt relationship crap out of the way.. i feel free.. thank God... though a bit troubled by ferlin's prodding today and ian's sudden coldness towards me..
happy to be going out the next few days.. happy to see joel p next fri... happy tt i've finished my essay.. whoopie.. looking forward to prac tmr.. still a bit sad lah cause my two frens won't be there.. sianz...
gosh... can't believe we're putting up A & C on thurs... dan plays a great caesar.. damn cool...haha... haf to memorise lines... gd thing i've got so few..
holding on to you.
12:00 AM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
i need alone. i'm losing it. words dun matter anymore. they nvr did they nvr will. lies. deception. truth? i believe in one truth. one forever. nothing else lasts. just cold pain. quiet. i need alone. i need somebody. nobody. change is constant. tt makes three. God, change and nobody. pit. dark hole. abyss. lost forever. i wish. nothing existed. pain. lie. wish it were a dream. dun make sense? it dun to me either. feelings. another lie. hurt. pain. concealed. deceiving. lie. sometimes i wish i hadn't known it. known love. like before.
nobody sees the blood tt runs
holding on to you.
10:53 PM
