Saturday, July 31, 2004
it's over... happy and relieved i guess... for various reasons. I don't know wat's wrong wid me. I think it's a jealousy thing. Still trying to figure out my feelings.. I should stay away frm him u noe. We're always together now a days. During breaks, taking the bus home after school. haiz.. and the last few days.. he's been looking at her.. troubling over her.. and i'm... at a lost.. i care ... just tt it hurts me too..
well.. i guess these few days i've met some really interesting pple too... haha.. we had fun at rehearsals and all.. talking crap fooling arnd tt kinda stuff...
will miss them
farewell tmr... not sure if i can make it.. not sure if i shud go
holding on to you.
9:54 AM
Monday, July 26, 2004
I need to talk to ez and my three joels.. promise to meet up wid them.. or they promised to meet up wid me..haiz...
i'm pissed wid joel t... he forgets to call me, he doesn't reply my msgs... i keep forgiving him.. and he asks me to too.... but this can't keep going on.. i'm tired of waiting.. if i'm tt impt to him.. he would at least leave me msgs...
i haven't seen joel c for a week.. i wondering if he's starting ns this week... he hasn't been online... and i didn catch him at church... miss him lots
joel p's a little pissed wid me.. cause i haven't got time for him.. i've tried arranging to meet him liao.. but he's not free on the days i'm free... wat can i do? in any case he's got tests next week. so i shudn bother him...
ez.. haiz.. it hurts me to see him in such pain.. i love him so..... i pray tt God will heal him and take away tt pain... haiz.. ez needs to learn to be more forgiving too....
today was my last day of lessons.. i was so depressed... i guess i've learnt to love the guy.. and yes.. i do love music.. i always will...
i was almost in tears today... some times i ask myself whether it's really wat God wants...
holding on to you.
11:36 PM
Friday, July 23, 2004
He stands by the window, looking almost - ethereal. Walking to the wash basin he lets the water run. Carelessly he splashes some of its coolness on his face. He pauses, staring at the sink. It's so quiet you could almost hear the beads of water sliding down his pale form. Is he thinking about us? Us. Foreign. A past. A not so distant one? We've been through those swirls afraid to face the outcome which was meant to be. Down the abyss - lost forever. He looks up, meeting my gaze. I wonder what he thinks when he sees me through those intersecting bars that seem to hold us more than apart. Imprisoned? Perhaps. I try to read his face only to see a shadow framed by those clinical walls. Slowly, I turn. Walking away only to cast a backward glance at that familiar form. In that second, all that met me was darkness.
holding on to you.
10:10 PM
sometimes it's so hard to forgive... but forgiveness is at the heart of Christ.. someone in class said something really hurtful today...twice... i was nearly in tears.. nearly... even za hasn't come close... i was biting my tongue trying to continue being nice... haiz... i guess i've still got a lot to learn bout forgiveness esp since i've grown up in an environment where all they taught was to fight back...... God was there holding me though... helping me thru this... thank you Lord
love God and love the time spent wid Him.... today was a great day just dwelling in his presense...I'm realli encouraged by david.. he's so wonderful... thank God for his testimony as well as his words of encouragement... he's great.. but he's got a long way to go too.. praying tt God'll guard his heart and mind n tt he'll start and end well
also wanna thank God for yeekiat who reminded me abt following God's will...
meeting yk tmr... wondering wat to say to him... haiz... he causes me so much heart pain... why Lord is he being like this? i dun even noe wat to say to him anymore.. he's got this rebellious streak and we're moving further and further away frm each other... wat shud i do?
serving the Lord is difficult.. u exp times of joy and times of pain.. times of joy are those of seeing ur kids grow... times of pain are like the times u see ur kids fall... above all this.. God uses them to teach u new things each day and helps u grow too... i love the Lord... i will serve Him no matter how hard, how tiring it is... He's my strength!
today i read this passage abt waiting for God's timing... i guess tt's something i haf to learn.. seeking Him each day and waitin on Him... Sometimes i jsut wish tt God'll just reveal everything to me... i can't stand all the uncertainties i'm facing... but this is the verse tt spoke to me "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the sun." Ecc 3:1 ... yep
holding on to you.
12:32 AM
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
feel bad bout wat i said to ez.. he was so nice to me yesterday...
choir was great today!...
exhausted
holding on to you.
11:29 PM
Sunday, July 18, 2004
i'm pissed with ez... sometimes i feel tt we're getting further and further away frm each other.. like now.. haiz. it's always as if he's got nothing to say to me.. mayb he's tired.. i dunno... i feel like a spoilt child.. it's not tt i want to be over suspicious or anything.. but.. arghz.. i dun wanna talk abt it..i'll just forget it.. and forget wat i said... i hope i dun see him for another 1 yr or something...
it's like fallen hopes... haiz.. like the way i was waiting for him today at svc.. but he nvr showed.. the way i was lookin for him b4 youth and he wasn't there.... they way i try to tok to him bout things tt are impt to me n he just can't be bothered.. dun i matter anymore.... something he said recently ... "sometimes it seems as if u're more impt than my kids" ........... so.. i'm not impt? i can be neglected.. mayb i misinterpreted tt.. who noes...
gosh... dun u noe? i'm at the lowest pt now.. and i need u.. someone, anyone.... cx's rite i can't stick to her forever.. i need other frens.. but wat other frens? joel t hasn't called, joel p's stressed out.. u are.. arghz haiz... u can't expect me to tell my kids my problems rite?
noe something.. everyone's leaving me.. mayb it was meant to be.... sometimes i'd rather be thrown back to those days... not noeing love.... not expecting anything....it's more painful now....
i shud just focus on God... He's the onli one tt can help me thru... other pple are redundant......
holding on to you.
11:42 PM
He's back! woohoo.. happy.. he gave me something he bought.. so sweet rite? really missed him... he says he'll bring me along the next time he organises a mission trip.. quote him "when u're a bit older we can org one ourselves and i'll bring u".. so exciting.... lifted my spirits esp after my end yr mission trip got cancelled... sobbed...
thank God for him.. and thank God he's so patient with me... haiz... i wonder when he'll leave again... i dun want him to...... me.. being selfish and all...
was kinda in a dilema today.. cause he and ez both ask me if they cud go out wid me... if i went out wid him, ez would get pissed.. apparently they're still at war... if i went out wid ez.. he mite want to come along.. and they'll be hafing a face off... arghz... wat's wrong wid them....
haiz
o yea... i love my kids!
holding on to you.
10:54 PM
Friday, July 16, 2004
haiz.. busy schedule and stuff means i haven't gotten time to keep up wid my kids...haha.. so much stuff to do for geog soc and pw.. excuse to keep away frm the more impt stuff...
i miss my kids... and david is such a gem!.. he's the onli one i tok to this week so far... so mature in understanding and hungry for the Word of God..i pray God guard his heart at all times...
things at home.. will.. not much to say...
bbq tmr.. hopefully no one drills me abt stuff... i am not prepared to ans qns.
thank shane for the bk he lent me.. it's great.. really... i've gained much insight into marriage and dating as well as remembering certain things abt this issue tt i've forgotten..
holding on to you.
12:04 AM
Sunday, July 11, 2004
she's back.. wonder if tt's a gd thing or a bad thing.. missed her ... kinda learned to respect and love her over these yrs... ah well... still... i dun fancy having my mind torn apart n having my thoughts analyzed... wondering if it'll do me gd
depressed.. sad.. watever...
nothing matters... gosh... i think i'm gonna screw this yr
dun ask me anything.. i dun noe anything..i dun remember anything...
God i need time wid u...
i was smiling today.. happy.. cause i was in Ur house.. with my kids.. teaching them.. first day doing everything myself.. was great.. i love my kids sooo much... haiz.. i think rite now they're wat's keeping me frm falling apart in frnt of everybody.. like yesterday.. cause in frnt of them i need to smile, i need to look happy.. i need to deliver God's message.. everything else tt's personal is second to this...
typed her a msg saying i missed her... i really do.. then i realise tt it's onli been one week..i mean i dun see her during the weekdays of every week.. it's just tt.. i dunno... i need her? .. probably... the devil's not stupid attacking me when she's away...
i shall not be reliant on man but on God alone... i dun need her .. i dun need anybody...
not like anyone was ever there in the first place
holding on to you.
11:41 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2004
sometimes i wish i ended it then.. then i wouldn be here.. wouldn tt be gd? i wish i could get out frm this house.. get away frm the pple.. get away frm everything
holding on to you.
11:16 PM
thinking bout wat someone said bout me... looking at my life.. looking at the pple i hang out wid.. wondering wat i've gotten myself into.. still wondering why i hang out wid the pple i hang out wid...
looking at these pple... za, the gumi, gm pple, ben... wat can i say? they're the kind of pple tt dun really care much bout anything.. everything is just living for the moment.. everything is just bout having fun..
so unlike me.. dun u think? ..haha partially... i guess i love to play and love to haf fun too...anywayz.. why then do i always end up hanging round them? haha... was thinking bout this.. hmmz.. mayb it's my issue wid trust.. i dun like my relationships to go too deep, cause they scare me... and to me.. they onli bring hurt... i'm afraid to commit.. and to me.. it's nvr a win-win situation or something i can gain frm.. it'll always be a losing situation.. tt's why i'm always round pple where i need not commit much to the relationship and yet they accept u and we haf fun.. as to ur qn...wat's wrong wid tt?
wid fellow believers.. well, u noe u're called to love ur fellow brothers and sisters.. u noe u're called to serve them... and wat u gif.. u receive frm God.. tt's why it's easier to love them.. it's easier to serve them.. and perhaps built deeper relationships in tt sense.. cause i'm not afraid to gif
i noe i sound like an insecure nut... i am one i guess...
haiz.. even though i'd prefer to just live as it is now.. i guess i've still gotta remind myself tt i've gotta learn to love everyone else as well.. cause tt's wat God commands.. and to love them because God first loved us... still.. haiz.....
holding on to you.
12:26 AM
Thursday, July 08, 2004
He needs me...haiz.. but more imptly he needs God.. i wish i knew wat to do.. i wish he would just listen and take things seriously...cause sometimes it seems like my words aren't getting thru to him, like everything is just a joke and can be laughed off... all i can do is pray.. cause onli God can penetrate the hardest heart...
i dun want him to do wat i tell him to do just because he loves me.. i want him to do all this because he loves God
holding on to you.
10:49 PM
Monday, July 05, 2004
practise practise and more practise.. only had three hrs of slp today cause we spent the rest of the nite at joehan's watchin euro, playing gb and bullying joehan.. tiredz..haiz... practise was such a waste to time.. it's such a pity tt the co pple dun noe how to appreciate ttk.. he's such a gd conductor lah.. the slightest move of a finger or the raising of an eyebrow could mean so much...
even though practise was terrible.. at least i had fun wid the gang today.... haha.. haven't cycled like tt for so long.. and the 7 of us.. 3 sec sch kids, 2 girls and 2 tiny pri sch kids actually beat a grp of 8 strong sec sch guys..haha..and we were playing w/o keeper and barefooted whereas they played wid their studs and goal key... not bad i'd say....but we did however sustain some injuries... jonny was swearing and swearing.. haha..threatening to throw a combination of kenny, hx and dh on the field the next time... still, i must agree wid jordan tt it was the andrenaline rushed tt did the trick...
tmr promises more fun...we're gonna whack the sushi place ..
holding on to you.
9:32 PM
today's sermon was on Deut 29...i think wat hit me was the part abt blessing...
God wants to bless us.. and this blessing isn't just material wealth or satisfaction.. this blessing is that we are truly satisfied in God that we are willing to give all our lives to Him...
You know something.. all this time i've been asking God why haf i nothing.. and yet all this time.. i've really been blessed.. blessed with the satisfaction that i haf God even though i haf nothing... sounds confusing?
well.. it makes sense to me
holding on to you.
12:12 AM
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Closer To You
Planet Shakers
All of my life I’ve searched for this
It’s hard to explain this happiness
All of my searching left me poor
Now I have tasted, my spirit’s crying
Out for more
Everyday it’s hard to believe
The way You change what’s inside of me
I wanna get closer to You
When I think that I’ve let You down
Your open arms of love I have found
I wanna get closer to You
There was a time when I was lost
Caught in a world of selfish cares
But when You found me something changed
My eyes were opened, now I will never
Be the same
i dun mind if the world sees me as boring or uninteresting.. cause i definitely dun think i'm boring.. neither do i think u are :) .. haha.. at the end of the day.. we dun lose out yea .. and we've got someone who loves us whether we're boring or interesting, good or bad... unconditionally and forever... He's always the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow...
holding on to you.
12:55 AM
Saturday, July 03, 2004
she said something very hurtful today. but mayb it's true... well..
i feel shut off, shut away.. left out.. i dunno.. mayb i just dun fit.. as someone was saying "u just dun understand me" ... mayb i do.. i'm just not the kind of fren u're looking for.. we just dun share common interest ok? ... mayb i noe u... more then u'll ever noe.. i just understand pple.. in a weird way... not tt i bother showing it.. does it matter? i realise i can't be bothered wid a lot of things..
i realise i'll nvr be able to fit.. i realise tt i'll always be tt person as long as i choose this path to take. do i care if pple leave me? mayb i do.. hmmz.. i wish i'd nvr known the word love... like i nvr used to... once u've known it u want more of it.. and u start having expectations of the pple arnd u... mayb it was much better being tt empty bitter shell....
u don't talk to me anymore, do you? there's always someone between us.. something tt goes unsaid.. won't u ever forgive me? mayb it's not even abt forgiveness...
i feel like shit.. nobody understands how i feel.. haha.. mayb i hide it too well..
why won't someone just ask or even say something? why am i always the one to go "hey.. are u ok? hey are u feeling sad?"
mayb i gif too much.. more than u ever noe.. i'm just very background.. pple dun tend to notice.. but i haf my way of doing things...
u noe.. i'm always looking after my kids and stuff like tt.. and pple haf mentors and accountability partners.. wat abt me Lord? why am i always alone? why?
yes.. i feel lonely and i feel like shit
and yes.. mayb it's because i dun haf frens..
i haf God...tt's all tt matters... and i haven't spend time wid Him today.. tt adds to the shitty feeling...
instead of getting drunk i shud be getting drunk in the Holy Spirit...
i hate myself for being like this.. n i ask myself: mayb the reason i dun like pple, is because pple dun like me...
sometimes i'd rather be like those fools in the streets not knowing anything doing as they wish.. sometimes i wish i didn haf the great amt of empathy i haf.. sometimes i wish i didn feel anything.. sometimes i wish i could just laugh things off like u guys do...
sometimes i wish...
but there's too much to consider.. too many responsibility..
watched spidey 2 wid the guys.. i guess one of my favourite parts was when he was asking himself "why can't i haf wat i want" .. i guess tt'll be the qn i'd asked even though i noe the ans... and as said in the movie.. "sometimes to do the right things we have to give up some things.. even our dreams" ... yea..
talk abt pain...
holding on to you.
12:37 AM
Friday, July 02, 2004
Just came home frm ferlin's house... we were trying to get drunk... probably try again on monday... some how it just doesn't feel rite to me..haiz.. anyhow i hope we all had fun today...
and yes.. CTs are over!!!
sometimes i just feel that there's this gap between us.. mayb it's just me... i hope u're not feeling so sad anymore... if anything i'm here if u wanna talk
holding on to you.
11:59 PM
Thursday, July 01, 2004
"The answer isn't removing things from your life or adding more rules to follow. The answer is giving your life back to the God who created you. And He's every bit as real as flesh and blood, the earth, erason. But I can't make you see that. i can't open your eyes and ears."
They preferred their idols, tangible, possessing, capricious characteristics like themselves, easily understood. They wanted something they could manipulate. God was inconceivable, intangible, incomprehensible, unexploitable. They didn't want a life of self-sacrifice, purity or commitment, a life of Thy will be done. They wanted to be master of their own life, to have their own way, and be answerable to no one.
And you allow it, Father. You absolutely refuse to violate our free will. O Lord, blessed Jesus, sometimes I wish you would reach down and take hold of us and shake us so hard...
Echo in the darkness
u noe.. the founder on satanism once said this - they had billions of followers, because following satan lies in a few simple words "my will be done" .
but in God it's "His will be done"
how many times haf we gone off the path?
holding on to you.
9:38 AM
