Wednesday, June 30, 2004
everyday i thank God for David... he's an amazing kid tt really seeks God.. he's got the heart of David.. and he understands tt he needs to watch his life and pray for his frens cause they come to church for the wrong reasons.. i thank God he's so mature.. and i thank God tt he has such compassion for the pple ... and yep. he prays for me and my family... wow...
God.. i dun deserve to mentor such a kid... i must really watch his life carefully.. and make sure he grows up in Your ways....guide me O Lord.. we need the guys in our church to rise up....
holding on to you.
10:50 PM
lit wasnt too bad.... -sigh of relief-
went to eat prata wid the guys.. and then we went to joehan's house to slack.. man.. his bed is sooo nice...haha.. bet if u took a picture it would look soooo bad wid all of us crashing on his bed.. anywayz.. we had fun.. and we thrashed thomson green today! woohoo!
btw.. the two nuts... johnny and jordan were drinking soursop todays...arghz...
took some pics for joe's portfolio.. he's doing one of the team.. apparently we haf like 40 pple... *whistles* .. didn noe we had so many.. haha.. we can form like 2 teams and play league now.. lalala.. anyway i uploaded the pics as well as the retreat ones.. anyone interested just ask me for the webbie...
i just wish the CTs were over liao.. one more day.. gambatte....
holding on to you.
10:20 PM
Whatever happens from here i deserve it and gladly accept. I know i've made mistakes in the past. Still i go all out to pursue wat is Godly not only tt which is goodly. Your ways i cannot understand, yet my life is in your hands. I put my trust in you.. and turn my ear not towards the devil who is but a deceiver. You are my tower of strength and my help in times of need.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.
holding on to you.
10:18 AM
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
lit... lit lit... i dunno how to write essay lah... haven't written b4.. dunno wat to do... help me!.. arghz... i feel like dying.. i'm just gonna read and read.. and see wat i can do lahz... not much .. i think... not much at all.. i'm gonna fail lorz... i shud be kicked out of humanz or something.. arghz..
i'm not smart.. dunno why pple haf tt impression... pple go like.. aye "must mug like yt and za" .... rite.. i dun mug either... spent the day playing soccer and chatting online... accomplishing nothing... yadayada... i feel like at idiot in my class, in my sch... there are pple who are gd there.. even if they dun do well.. u noe tt they're actually really brilliant pple....
look at me.. i'm not good at my studies.. i'm not good at anything.. neither am i brilliant...
haiz.. i'm nothing in this class.. in this world.. in this sch...
the only good thing in me is God.. but u noe wat.. mayb i'm too unclean for His light to get thru
holding on to you.
8:29 PM
mayb i'm just being stupid.. mayb there's nothing to fix.. mayb it's too late... mayb i shud just gif up on this relationship.. i'm tired.. and u noe wat.. i haven't even tried...
well... haiz..
hmmz.. grace gave me a verse yesterday :
Heb 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful
shall go pray bout it...
Empower Me
Nobody knows how weak i am
Better than You
Nobody sees all of my needs
Better than You
And nobody has the power
To change me, to what i was born to be
Jesus, be strong in my weakness
Empower me
Empower me, like a rushing river
Flowing to the sea
Lord, send Your Holy Spirit flowing
Out through me
Til I'm living as Your child
Victorious and free
Send the power of Your love
Empower me
Nobody's eyes see through my soul,
better than Yours;
Nobody's love can make me whole,
no one but Yours.
And nobody has the power to lift me,
to reach for eternity.
Jesus break through all my defences,
empower me.
it's time to stop relying on my own strength...
holding on to you.
4:51 PM
Monday, June 28, 2004
i can't focus on my studies now... haiz.. i think i understand why God uses the Abraham approach with me and chooses to reveal things one at a time.. i mean.. it's like u're gonna end up there anyway.. so why bother abt wat's in btwn.. haiz.. but i guess there are reasons for wat i'm going thru now.. and i guess i just haf to work thru it... arghz.. i really hate econs.. why God did u make me do arts? and econs of all things? why? haha.. why do i even haf to go thru sch? i wouldn mine being like grace... and she says "living in her happy poly life.. unlike u jc pple" ..arghz...
haiz.. u noe.. God makes pple do things.. things u can't imagine urself doing.. things u dunno wat possessed u to do so... mayb tt's the reason i'm doing all these things.. tt's the reason why i'm here now.. i would haf ended up like the rest of my frens, failing everything, playing soccer the whole day, watching euro...why'd i even work for where i am now? not only tt, i've given up my music for Him.. and it's not like i'm no good in it.. but i guess, He gave u the gifts and if He wants it back, He has a rite to it...
then there's going to the mission fields.. i've read books and heard of wat's it like out there..can u imagine, leaving ur family, frens, loved ones behind going out there, throwing them the insurance... going out there knowing u might nvr return? i'm not afraid of dying.. why shud i? i'd love to be with God.. but i can't spk to pple? i can't even spk to my own classmates? furthermore i'm freaking afraid of being tortured and persecuted... i noe i've gotten into fights and gotten beaten up and wat not.. but this is different.. burned alive and parts chopped up.. not pretty and definitely painful.... why would i do it? i dunno.. can i do it? i dunno?
God makes u do the impossible... if it isn't a challenge.. it prolly isn't frm God anyway...
there's something going on btwn joel p and ez.. i wish they'd just clear it up... and he's pissed tt i'm quite close to joel... watever lah... haiz.. it's diff with the both of them.. ez is just so fierce with me.. won't he just let up.. sometimes i really hate spking to him... everything i do, a judgement has to be passed.. it's do or don't do.. i hate control... i'm an asshole anyway.. haiz.. if i would say something.. i guess only God's got a hold on me... some times it's just so hard to spk to ez... he shud just relax... with joel p it's diff.. he listens to me .. lets me say wat i want.. and we haf fun.. haha. and of course he talks to me like a fren... ez commands me to grow up..he's like my father... i've nvr had a childhood and wat's it gotta do wid him if i want one now? some times i just freaking need someone to talk to... so chill ok... at least joel's fun to be wid.. at least he makes me smile... and unlike wat ez thinks.. he does make sure i don't get into shit....
holding on to you.
8:20 PM
i'm seriously gonna fail all my CTs.. by God's grace i'd do well enuf.... haiz.. wondering if i shud go play soccer later.. sianz
david is great.. really...
derrick is great too.. he makes me feel so guilty lah.. ah well.. dunno wat to say.... mind blank.. just like when it came to my CTs....
oh yar... big joke... thx to godzilla, wei an, from superman became flasher... -sweatdrops- .. she's champion lah..haha.. and ferlin has a great pic of wei an..lol....great..absolutely great..wth did he do to his hair lah..not nice... now he looks like the "monkey" in the ah bao manga
holding on to you.
4:23 PM
Sunday, June 27, 2004
I am soooooooo encouraged by my kids... haha.. david is fantastic.. gosh.. he's up till Jeremiah now.. and I'm only at Psalms.. he plans to read the Bible in an entire year.. wow.. and u noe wat.. he's one guy who really hides the Word of God in his heart... amen..Josh who's really really playful is actually reading the NT up to John now.. which is really good.. i'm so glad he's actually committed... and Sus and gm...they're wonderful..their passion to share the Word is totally amazing.. because of them.. i've seen salvation happening in many of their frens lives. Revival!
Frm this i'm encouraged.. as their mentor, i'm gonna start preaching the Word of God and spreading the gospel... yea "I'm not ashamed of the gospel, i'm not ashamed of the one i love"... I dun really care wat my frens are gonna say now. i'm gonna go forth in boldness.. the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few... we need to start working... Kelly's passing also showed me one thing.. tt life is fragile, if i don't tell my frens now, i may nvr get the chance.. they're impt to me.. and after all, we dun want to stain our hands with the blood of the unreached which we could haf reached.
next.. i'm gonna read more..really... read into the Word of God.. when i'm more prepared i'm gonna have Bible study with my sec 1s... esp those sec 1s who really desire more of the Word... like, sus, gm, david, josh.. and anyone else who is interested... tt will be like soooooo cool...
sec 1 outing today was great.. i'm sure the guys had fun.. but it also shows tt i've gotta improve my soccer skills, so i can kop the ball frm the guys.. and make them pay attention after the game is over...
something else bout david i'm really impressed abt.. i was telling him tt , wr was very lonely, and because of tt he actually went up to tok to him.. yea...
saw joel p today.. haha.. too bad he was busy with singspiration.. miss him so much... at least i got his msn :D
holding on to you.
4:32 PM
Saturday, June 26, 2004
wow... service today was..wow.. at the altar call.. it was a bigger WOW .. haiz... but it also confirms some things.. very painful things... looks like i've gotta just follow God and learn frm Him each step of the way.. and i shall not lean on my own understanding, walking by faith and not by sight... well it's time to walk on water!
i saw joel p today! haha... after soooooo long.... miss him soooo much... i think he's kinda sad lah.. cause well er.... firstly i was quite hesitant to gif him a hug.. cause all along i thought there's this unsaid rule tt girls and guys can't hug each other in church...but i did gif him a hug in the end lar... then well er... i didn haf much time to tok to him cause i really had to look for pas becks... furthermore, i chased him away later, cause when i was listening to mel sharing something he plopped his butt down lah.. and i thought mel would feel uncomfortable... i'm sooooo sorry... realli realli sorry.. i hope he isn't too sad.. i'll call him or something...
anyway joel c is back frm mission trip.. i hope he's well.. didn see him at church...haiz... yar.. and my joel t didn call me... sob
haha... really miss my kor, my dad and my gong gong.. haha.. the three joels
holding on to you.
11:32 PM
Friday, June 25, 2004
street e was cool.. God is sooooo amazing.. wow... we shared with so many pple.. and when we needed the forms.. they actually appeared on Orchard Road floor la... soo cool... haha.. and yar.. when there was really no one to share to and we were quite depressed.. i was praying.. and guess wat.. rite at the last moment.. there were so many young pple to share to we were like rushing all over the place.. amen..and there was one salvation... Praise the Lord!
haiz.. sch is gonna start soon.. dread.. dread.. dread... i'm gonna like hide in a corner.. and rot....
frm here, it's gonna be, God, kids, family, gm pple...
o yar... i must announce here too.. haha.. wei an is VERY PRETTY..hahaha...... yes.. VERy.. and he looks like touya frm anc.. not tt i like the manga... but .. wow... haha... hair could do with some improvement to.. and the pony tail thingy is not a very gd idea...hahaha
God is sooo soo good.. i wrote a two page essay to mum on why i shud go to brian's house to watch soccer at 2 am tonite..of course prayer did all the work..haha.. and yea man... i'm going tonite (tmr morn) legally ok :P.. with parental permission.. amen
holding on to you.
10:13 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004
before... it used to be these grp of older guys who used to be like the big bullies of gm..now. the few of us have formed sort of a clique...and as ferlin says.. we bully everyone else...
we're a grp of very diverse pple who are cheaters, liars, violent and full of shit...wat terrible pple we are, joined together by "family ties" and "inter-marriages"..
looking at us.. i'd say.. we can be labelled as "no hope"... and even the kids tt follow us arnd... gosh.. they're becoming just like us..
jerome.. tsk... bullied renxiang who's at least 5 yrs older and even got him into trouble with mr toh... and he's cunning too.. dun be fooled... he helped me cover up abt me going out for lunch with the guys w/o me having to ask him to.. boy.. was i relieved... furthermore quote jerome: "got a lot of pple in the field lah... 10 men ..................... just joking... kaki only :D "
jeff... ouch.. tt guy is violent.. just because he's small doesn't mean he's harmless... he needs to catalogue the weapons he has at home... plus.. he's got this really scary aim.... yea.. we just suggested he shud add a durian to his stock.. *shakes head* .. how encouraging..
and jerms... woohoo..haha.. she's the onli demure and sweet thing..hmmz.. actually jerome too.. but jermz.. boy.. she could get any guy's heart (esp dan's) ... hmmz.. not like any of us though... well.. at least out of the three girls.. one turned out rite...
tt's us i guess.. haha.. quote ferlin like " a grp of popular high sch kids"....haha.. then again.. we'll nvr be popular in sch.. so why not try to rule gm ? -grinz-
holding on to you.
8:37 PM
went to her wake today..
prayed for her mum.. when the grieve is so deep, and words fail us, only the Lord can comfort...
she looks so different...always thought tt when pple died, they'd look serene, peaceful .... u noe... but.. she just looked sad... i mean she's only 17.. there were so many things she could do.. i can't believe she's just gone.. i remember how she would always be dragging me all over the place... to the toilets.. to the canteen... haiz.. there's just this sense of loss..not sorrow.. not joy...
at least she's with the Lord.. i guess tt's all tt matters..
everyone frm the gumi was there today...za, ms, wc, em and me.. sad isn't it tt only at a time like this tt we actually gather together...
holding on to you.
8:28 PM
INFJs are gentle, compassionate, and accepting, yet given to streaks of extreme stubbornness. The INFJs' driving force is their iNtuition (N), which is directed inward (I), generating a never-ending stream of possibilities and ideas. In fact, the more the INFJ introverts, the more malleable and open-ended life can seem. But the external world has a way of interfering with this flow of inspirations and creativity because INFJs feel called upon to render service to humanity (F) in a very orderly and demanding way
Consequently, when INFJs are committed to an ideal or cause, the stubbornness surfaces. These otherwise compliant, reserved individuals become extremely rigid and demanding of themselves and others, when pursuing a goal in the external world.
INFJs are dreamers whose genius, caring, and concern can be an inspiration to many other people. Their quietness gives them a low profile and their concern has a way of being intense in most situations in which they find themselves. In almost any interpersonal activity, from a board meeting to an intimiate family gathering, the INFJs' quiet strength is felt by others. Their hope, aspiration, and caring have limits, however, and those limits can be invoked by the INFJ at any given moment. Such limits may have no apparent relationship to external events, and may leave others feeling frustrated, confused, possibly even deprived.
INFJs often need an Extraverted type to tap the reservoir of their inner richness. Otherwise it can be lost, either in the INFJ's introversion or as a consequence of pressure from the typically scheduled life of those who prefer the Judging function in their outer worlds. When in the presence of more Extraverted types, they are likely to share jokes, ideas, whimsical thought, and many inventive models or theories. Those close to the INFJ may feel frustrated that so much of what is inside the INFJ is so rarely fully tapped. The frustration continues as those close to INFJs recognize that while they must respect INFJs' space, doing so diminishes INFJs' contributions to the world.
INFJs often have, without formal training, skills in group dynamics. Almost psychically, they are aware of various levels of interaction between and among people. However, such awareness remains largely their own, and effors to make these observations known to others can be frustrating to INFJs.
Relationships
Though they may maneuver themselves to receive affection, INFJs may be quite sparing in dispensing it to others because of their naturally Introverted manner. For the INFJ, talk is cheap, and the resulting sparsity of their communications can have a negative effect on relationships at work and home.
Gender differences can be seen with the INFJ. The female INFJ clearly has the advantage. As a Feeling type, she has the nurturing qualities traditionally associated with femininity. Often, however, because of her Introversion, the INFJ female does not project those qualities, even though they are very much a part of her nature. At home as well as at work, she tends to be aloof, so that the sense of her caring and concern is ultimately lost, particularly to those types more demanding of overt affirmations. A common complaint about the INFJ female is that she is "nice but seems removed". People feel this about her even though they would admit that in fact she's always there when needed, quietly dependable, steady. Female INFJs must work hard to be understood and may find themselves being taken for granted because of their own failure to make their needs known. Consequently, when they do express their needs, it seems out of character and can lead to general disbelief, which, of course, is frustrating to the female INFJ.
holding on to you.
12:23 AM
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
she was a great fren, a great class mate, sch mate, and og mate
kelly passed away today..
i'll miss her presence..
grieved, shocked and perhaps regrets for not being a better fren
still, the Lord is good, and she accepted the Lord a week ago...
comforted knowing she's in the arms of the Lord
let's just continue to pray for the family and those who are grieving...
holding on to you.
10:58 PM
everything we live for has a cost.. everything we do has a cost.. if u've chosen to follow put ur hand to the plough and don't turn back... let the dead bury the dead.
Matthew 16:24 - Then Jesus told his disciples, "If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
meetin the guys later for lunch.. going to be sooo fun... haven't had lunch wid them for such a long long time liao...... watching concert to nite wid my "mei" and wc...prob be fun too...
holding on to you.
9:13 AM
haha.. yes ferlin.. i am a INFJ ... go read it up...haha.. and i may just dump u if i find tt our relationship ain't perfect enuf... yeayea.. b4 u murder me..hahaa
http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html
to all the wei an fans out there.. wei an's gonna be back on thurs.. great huh...
the field's gonna turn into a desert... and as wei an says.. "play beach soccer"
"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for,
he isn't fit to live."
Martin Luther King Jr.
holding on to you.
1:30 AM
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
i fear going back to school o Lord. i dun want to be thrown aside. Lord i am not like them. i know nothing bout fashion, music... neither am i intelligent, talented or haf a storage of information. all i know is Your Word and Your Ways o Lord, and even that, i cannot fully understand. why have i chosen the path that i'm now taking o Lord? was it not so i could serve you? i noe not the science and am not gifted in the arts. i am but ordinary. what i have comes from you and you alone. even when i am scorned and trampled on, o Lord will i look towards you, for you are my tower of strength and my comfort in times of need. help me o Lord not to look to the right or to the left, help me o Lord not to walk in the tents of the wicked. i walk on the water o Lord, taking each step by faith and not by sight. Lead me o Lord, for my eyes see not beyond the horizons , only what You show me. Lead me o Lord as i follow after You.
elbow hurts, finger hurts, knee hurts.. shouldn't haf fought with ian...
but he was hurting jerome
still ask me go to his house tonite...
not pissed liao... but still need to study... sianz
feeling so weird now tt jordan has another girl is his life.. it's kinda like we always expected dan and jerms to end up together... still feels funny... watever kid.... i'm always behind you...
holding on to you.
9:30 PM
realise i've been blogging a lot..mmmm
must realli learn how to disengage liao.. pple matter too much to me even though i say they don't. If everyone's problem becomes my problem then i'm just gonna become a realli miserable person...
went out with joehan for brkfast. my mum found out i left the house... phew... she wasn't bothered.. but i can kinda see tt she's given up on me... either tt or i think she'd rather me be with other pple, doing other things then always hanging arnd in church.. she still has this fear tt i'm gonna gif up my studies and go full time... frankly speaking, i would if it were God's will.. i'd rather do tt actually.. anything else just seems pointless rite now...
somehow my perspective of life and sch work has really changed.. u noe something... at least i'm truly happy.. i havent felt like tt in ages.... all i wanna do is just get my degree and do watever i want to do.. after all, i noe what i'll end up doing in the end.. prob somewhere in the far east... i dun even need multiple degrees or anything... i just want to live, cause i realise i've been living my parents' dream for too long... i just want to be with the pple i love because i probably won't get a chance to in the future....
thinking bout service, i suddenly remember the book The Heavenly Man. I remember how the author was tortured. He even had his legs broken and yet God helped him walk out of prison, unseen... invisible to the eyes of mere men.. to live tt kinda life.. wow... would i go to tt extent? it really qns my faith... n true enuf, we see thru his life how God works the impossible.. like the author said to cx... singaporeans aren't hungry enuf for God.. I'm not hungry enuf for God.. still the qns remains.. how far would we go for God? i probably would go if God willed it... but grudgingly....
i dread going back to sch.. i noe wat i'm gonna face.. it's not just wat i've seen frm God, but things are already happening.. I dread seeing my classmates and everyone else... i noe wat's coming my way... now i understand why pple are afraid of seeing visions... i understand totally...
tt's why i'm gonna enjoy myself with the guys, my kids, my frens at church...esp the guys.. they've been my onli constant for yrs..i can actually write a bk abt all we've done these past yrs.. at least i'm gonna be happy for one week b4 i start term.
i can't wait to graduate frm jc, i can't wait to get away frm my parents ,everyone in singapore, my classmates, my commitments and pple's expectations.. go to canada and all... yea.. and the guys are going there too.. and oz tt is.. haha.. living with them and hanging out , studying together... man...onli thing i worry abt is my ministry and my kids.. then again.. i'm sure God's gonna raise a lot of gd female mentors... and yea.. the walking on water as peter did... part of it is going overseas.... i agree with God tt i need it, i need to get away.. esp frm my commitments here...i need to seek him alone... if i stay here i'm just gonna get more involved in things.. i need time alone with God... to receive and then to give.. prob join some mission team in canada.. i've seen it...
but b4 tt, i must at least do well enuf to get to canada.... and at least be a gd testimony... if it's the Lord's will it will happen.. mayb not canada.. but i noe it's overseas...one of those western countries...
and wait... let me say it again.. I LOVE MY NEIGHBOURS... haha.. yea.. they're great... i'm nvr going to be the kind to sit down haf coffee and talk politics.. seriously i'd rather be out there playing... talking rubbish...getting into trouble... even though joehan prob wouldn agree tt this is
real frenship.. but i guess this is enuf for me.. i'm satisfied... -grinz-
holding on to you.
10:38 AM
Monday, June 21, 2004
guess wat, they came over in the end.. except ian who's slping and ferlin who's in oz...
they had fun messing up my msn, teasing dan, messing up the rm... etc etc..haha... but jordan's hiding something up his sleaves la... dun want to tell onli... he'll prob say when no one's arnd...miss the old days... like today ...whole bunch of us cramped in a small rm.. wid not enuf chairs.. fighting shuffling shoving... life rocks...
yea.. and let's all move to canada..haha... looks like gm is like gonna split.. and move to either canada or oz... alreadi some pple going to oz... dan and i.. prob canada.. yea... skateboarding, skiing.. blah... life can't get better... woohoo....
poor ian got locked out of his house today..haha... fed him the bazhang i made.. not bad lehz.. i think..well at least he's still well and up isn't he.... (actually he's slping)...
ah well... a great day...
holding on to you.
11:13 PM
i'm pissed with my bro for being such a wimp... and not standing for wat he believes in... why do i always haf to be the one standing up for him and getting into trouble.. when is he ever going to learn to stand up for himself..
i realised i haven't been spending much time with my neighbours.. i missed the times when the 9 of us (jon, jeff, jerms, dan, rome, bin,ferlin, ian, me) just bum at someone's house bumming arnd, playing cards, truth or dare..etc etc...
ian was supposed to come tonite.. rome too....
sad.. just sad....
ian is sooo pro... he changed john's pin, and coerced him into doing is english hw... sly... he's not touching any of my things...
i miss ian..
and ferlin too :D
watever.. i miss the guys...
holding on to you.
9:30 PM
was praying today...saw a vision when praying for yk...a little weird..a little similar to wat ez saw.. shall pray for interpretation.. perhaps it's a confirmation... haiz...
the other vision i saw was for myself... and the passage i was reading revealed something else.. all this just gives me a sense of fear, as the days approach and i haf to return to sch soon... the vision comforts me though, but also tells me i haf to stand strong to pass the cup of temptation...
thru retreat, i've seen the power of prayer... i guess it's time to pray even harder than b4.. the new term proves to be a challenge
holding on to you.
3:37 PM
1 week left to CT's... gonna start studying very very hard... so prob not going to go online as much...yepz..
yepz... haha... this is wat i'm gonna focus on for the new term
1. God
2. my 10 kids
3. studying hard
4. cca
and i've gotta learn to disengage liao.. feeling 10 things for 10 pple is gonna make my life miserable.....haiz... i need all the strength i can get...
i hope i dun end up like the last time.. drained and all... tt's why i must spend more time wid God now... cx is rite, the more u give the more u have to receive, if not u'll haf nothing to gif.. so i'm gonna start being very serious bout QT... anyway.. i'm quite behind in my reading of the OT and NT...
i noe i'm gonna haf to walk on the waters as Peter did and seek God in solitary..plus the vision pas becks saw... i guess it's gonna be a period of loneliness for me for i dunno how long.... i've gotta realli focus on God, cause i won't survive w/o His love and the infilling of the Holy Spirit daily...
o yar... so exciting.... streat e on friday!..haha i noe all the methods cause i've been teaching it for ages.. but this is like going to be my first official.. streat e....
well... gotta chao now... study... then tonite must call my kids parents...and if haf time, prob sus... :D ..
i'm soooo in love with God :D
holding on to you.
8:48 AM
Sunday, June 20, 2004
must remember to do a lot of things... call my kids, my kids' parents, yk and my "dad"... yes.. joel's back... whoopie.. promised to call..miss him sooo much..
I'm so proud of the decision sus made today.. to go full time... thinking bout my own commitment.. frankly speaking.. God's will has made me change my mindset when it comes to studying.. and somehow i'm not as motivated.. which is .. quite bad actually.. cause i must still be a gd testimony..
haf a lot of pple to look after now.. and i wonder how i'm gonna deal wid it wid term starting... now i haf my 6 girls, josh, david, wil and of course yk...
i'm very concerned abt yk.. very... esp after the vision ez saw today... spoke with him realli gravely and i know the words sank in....it's just tt... he really really needs to do something abt it
i realli love yk too much, tt's why i noe i can't gif him the discipline he needs.. furthermore, i'm a girl... he needs a mentor..really...my heart weeps for him....
holding on to you.
11:17 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2004
had practice today... it was fun!.... haha.. not bad for shi pu 3rd time..haha... kk... yar.. had fun wid my jnrs la... i tell u.. jx is sooo obsessed wid a particular conductor it's soooo amusing...haha...then zm's exaggeration...MWHAHAHAHA
anyway had cell outing today!.. wasn't so bad after all.. esp since i'm so afraid of social interaction plus like serene wasn't there which makes it more scary for me...yes.. this was really not bad..but of course i had a lot of time alone too la... which is gd..haha.. quite an individual sport actually... but nvm.. dun need to talk so much.... yay... and of course he was there.. so tt's a plus plus plus point !
was thinking bout ferlin's entry on frenship again..haha.. apparently i'm not as alone as i think i am.. quite a number of gd frens lehz...
ez... whom i talked quite a lot abt liao... yk.. who is yar.. realli really close to me... and realli cute..haha.. ferlin and ian who are realli great to hang out wid.. and yar.. gumi pple i guess esp (za, hs and wc). za and i can just sit there for hours and be happi spending time wid each other.. hs.. hmmz.. u can realli talk to her bout stuff la.. and wc.. haha.. great to be wid if u wanna do crazy things...yes... and of course the pple who love to nag at me.. haha.. the three joels..
holding on to you.
10:36 PM
Friday, June 18, 2004
how easy it is to say yes especially when u're Spirit-filled and on fire for God, furthermore retreat high... but as the days go on.. reality is kinda sinking in and i just ask God why... why is He taking those areas of my life away.. at least when i was nothing at sch work.. nothing at everything else... i was something in those areas.. and why does He give me those gifts yet stop me from going further.. why? why has He taken all the pride that i haf left.
I feel pathetic, I feel loss, I feel useless
and He won't let me serve in CAMY.. at least not yet...
Lord why?
and your ans remains the same
Remember what you promised me child? When were you the closest to me?
I remember Lord... when i had nothing Lord.. nothing at all...
just feeling so melancholy... no doubt Your peace is with me Lord, but where is your joy?
at least choir was great today... transferred frm sop to alto though... sad thing too cause i'm not with gm and grace... but alto quite fun also lah
somehow reason events made me think of this piece tt Mr Purvis showed us...
Batter My Heart Three-Personed God
BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend,
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am bethroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie or breake that knot againe,
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.
holding on to you.
9:30 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
lunch wid yk was amusing...he really wants to make sure i eat .. piang eh.. try to make sure i eat a one foot long sandwich at subway.. of course cannot la... yea and he spent most of the time trying to convince me tt he's ok... any case, i really really miss him..haha.. for a quiet person, he's full of honeyed words... ah well, at least he makes me smile... looks like now i g2g talk to joseph now tt yk is open to my suggestion...
Would you?
Would you in this darkness
Bring light into my world?
Would you in all this death
Bring laughter and make my twirl?
Would you in all this ugliness
Be what beauty i can grasp?
Would you pull with equal strength
From dawn until dusk?
Wirklich.... would you then...
love Him before you love me
pray daily with me
go if he takes you from me
answer the call that he too gave me
follow Him before you follow me
because i follow Him follow me
Go to the ends of the earth
not for me, but for Him
with me
Would you?
If not, why are u following me?
holding on to you.
6:00 PM
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
life after retreat has been all abt God's pple... i really miss the times we had, esp with the girls.. they're great.. really.. nothing can be more wonderful than teaching them and watching them grow in the Lord. and guess wat? they love devotions with us! can u believe tt? haiz.. i thought they wouldn cause u really haf to wake up really early in the morning to do it.. furthermore, grace and i who wake up even earlier to pray are sometimes still half aslp and by the grace of God somehow teach properly...
These few days, besides studying, a lot of my time has been spend, catching up with them, checking on them... etc etc.... yep.. and it's been fun...
meeting yk tmr... dunno wat to say though... haiz.. serious stuff to talk abt.. i wish the Lord would just tell me wat exactly is the area tt needs change... tt needs the Lord's touch.. i guess i shall just haf to pray abt it like ez says... haha.. mayb the power of God will just hit him.... lol.. i dun think i haf tt much faith.. ah well.. as the scripture says.. faith as big as a mustard seed can move mountains...
thinking abt the vision i saw when i was praying for pas cx.. shud i tell her abt it? i was reminded of it again today when praying for her.. if it's frm the Lord she will get confirmation.. or mayb someone else will see the same thing...
k.. today i was more enthu bout soccer.. shud try to keep in this way...
mum wants me to go shopping with her tmr.. kinda dread it.. really.. really .. really.. dun think it is a gd idea... haiz....
called za today.. did a bit of catchin up... i realise tt nobody else has started studying.. is tt supposed to comfort me? why is it not comforting at all?
my onli motivation to study is so that i can be a gd testimony to my parents and also that they will be happy and thus free my time and let me serve the Lord... haiz
o Lord..
holding on to you.
10:59 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
joehan's been finding my blog weird... haha... mayb cause of all the commitments i made recently.. i don't know...haha.. retreat high probably...yea.. and a slight burst of anger frm something
thinking abt the issue of frenship.. was reading wat ferlin wrote and remembered wat joehan said the other day...
i guess i'm not one to haf many frens whom i built deep frenships with.. mayb tt's because i'm always building a wall when it comes to pple... mayb derrick is rite somehow tt ur personal belief means something and sometimes it hinders u frm being a better fren to a person it could be because u alreadi dun start off on the same line and tt leaves room for plenty of conflicts. furthermore, there are just some areas in tt frenship u dun touch...if tt's the case then u won't haf a sort of "complete" frenship cause there are already areas u'd avoid esp tt big area called "belief"... hmmz.. then i think of hui shan.. and yea.. she's a gd fren of mine. then again.. i guess she's kinda open to the whole concept of christianity and she accepts me as who i am.. tt's why i feel comfortable with her and we get along well.. for me.. wat really stresses me up is when pple started shooting me for wat i believe in...doesn't it occur to pple tt some of us seriously love God for who God is? why must we always be us trying to get something out of christianity, whether it be personal glory, comfort or satisfaction?
hmmz... k.. dunno why i got to tt topic.. anywayz.. i think frenship involves a sense of commitment, not just commitment but tt willingness to commitment to a relationship with another person. If there is no "wanting to commit" then no matter how u try, the frenship won't work.. at the same time, u must actually do something abt this "wanting to commit" and actually haf to do it the rite way.. when u strike a balance there, where both parties are happy.. tt's where u get a strong and gd frenship... it doesn't haf to be one party putting all the effort.. and i guess this balance can be in any form.. some find tt balance just in sitting arnd with each other, being quiet.. others mayb in playing a sport.. well... i guess there are just so many ways.. it's like how ferlin and i find this balance in bumming arnd, getting hit by the ball, talking bout guys and the pple in our neighbourhood...
yea.. and the point abt not needing to play equal roles...i guess tt's how it is with ez and me. and me and yk... in the first one, ez is def the dominant in the relationship, in the second one, i'm the dominant..and we've somehow striked a wonderful balance...for us, it isn't the i must see u all the time kinda frenship or i must noe everything abt u kinda thing... but somehow we get along well, and there's just this deep sense of commitment to each other... there if one falls away, ur heart really weeps for the other... k.. now i'm getting u pple all confused.. but yea.. i guess i've really built very deep bonds with this pple... somehow...
mayb somewhere out there... these relationships are also built under circumstance...haha.. if ez hadn't been there all the time, not losing faith in me, i guess we wouldn be where we are now in this relationship... after all this time, it was he who made me trust in pple again and show me God's love exists even in pple... mayb tt's why he means so much.. as for yk... i put all my heart and soul into mentoring him.. trying to make him talk.. like how ez was there for me.. he can still be quite a disappointment at times.. but yea... all tt time spent together has built something tt can't be so easily torn down
well .. haha.. i guess this is my bit abt frenship... go think bout it :)
reply to the mention of my worrying previous posts:
Everything's changed - Planet Shakers
You ask me why
Why I'm so different
Why I'm not the same as everybody else
Well something changed
It just happened
When I opened up my heart and let him in
Jesus came in He came into my life and I know I never felt so good
Coz Everything's changed, Everything is different
Everything's changed, Everything is different
Everything's changed, Everything is different
Everything's changed, Everything is different
Now
You ask me how
How I can be sure
How I know it's not just something else for fun
Coz He's so real
So real in my life
He picked me up and turned my universe around
Everything, Everything, Everything in my life's changed
Everything, Everything, Everything in my life's different
holding on to you.
9:45 PM
Monday, June 14, 2004
I'm so excited... going to see gm tmr!... i've been feeling so lonely w/o my kids... kinda gotten use to them hanging arnd me all the time... helping them with the Word, and all the basic day to day stuff.... haha.. so happy... just miss them soooo much.. thank you God for teaching me how to love them...
Gonna try to meet yk on thurs too.. really miss the kid... just realised on sun how much i love him...my heart really wept for him tt day... and i'm asking God why didn He gif me a word for the poor kid... somehow the way he is now.. i kinda blame myself for not being there for him... haiz... as ez's said.. there's been no one to look out for him.. i noe jas is a great teacher of the Word.. but yar.. i haf to agree he doesn look out much for his sheep..and yk realli needs tt amt of personal attention... haiz...
back to the world.. it's so strange realli... spending a week with God.. i find it so hard to relate to those arnd me again...
holding on to you.
10:56 PM
You want to know my belief system, I'll tell you my belief...
I believe only in the Lord, and if anyone, anyone is going to change my life it's onli the Lord. Dun think u or anyone else can do it.. nobody, not even ez has helped me make any of my life-changing decisions b4.. dun even think.. i hate control, and i hate pple telling me how to live my life
but i love the Lord.. let me tell u , my service is to His pple. to those of the world i serve, onli, because He loves them.. i dun love pple, mayb i do, i don't noe... haha..i guess there's always the human element involve...but wat's really impt to me is their loss souls...
let me tell u how impt the Lord is to me, He's so impt tt if ez and my sec 1s were drowning, i would save my sec 1s. He's so impt tt if a believer and a non-believer were drowning, I'd save the non-believer cause it would be God's will..
Dun even think of or even try to change my believes.. or try to make me think better or less of the world.. onli God can do tt.. actually i realise i phrased it the wrong way... u can try to change my believes but u won't, cause the Lord is the rock of my salvation. all u'll leave me with is a terrible feeling of disgust.. like.. now....
and u noe wat... i dun want to... because it's God's will i love everybody.. or try to... then again.. i'm not perfect..
dun be angry with God, or any other believer.. dun be ridiculous....
go ahead and think i'm foolish and silly, watever.... let me tell u, I'm not ashamed of wat i do.. u noe... all i haf is pity towards those who think that way
to live is Christ, to die is gain
holding on to you.
10:27 AM
after a whole lot of distressed last night.. well, talking to cx really helped me see the Lord's hand on the matter.. all is well i guess.. and thru this, the Lord has opened some doors too
u noe something?
I'm happy...
Just praying tt Mr Foo won't give me a hard time...
haiz.. had fun with ez yesterday but i'm kinda pissed with him for being angry with my "dad".. i love them both and i know they care a lot for each other too... which is why i am reacting this way.. can't he just forgive joel?
jessie came by yesterday... haiz.. really didn noe wat to say to her.. it's as if we're on diff levels... i really dunno how to make small talk...
holding on to you.
9:45 AM
Sunday, June 13, 2004
i've crossed the river and burned my bridges. God wants me to give up so much.. but i've made up my mind and tt's tt...
my parents think i want to go into full time already..
the last one hr has been hell...
but God sees my heart and i noe He is well pleased
to God be the glory
holding on to you.
10:11 PM
Friday, June 11, 2004
Just came back frm retreat!.. it's just soo amazing and exciting to see how God is working thru the young pple... I'm just so glad tt i went.
rite now... all i can say is "WOW!!!" Just really wanna thank God for tt really awesome time. Wanna thank Him for his annointing and for really giving and blessing me more than i asked for. haha.. though of course i learnt tt cool as it is, all this comes more responsibility and sometimes u really must be careful wat u wish for...
well this retreat gave me a totally new experience in the sense tt it wasn't so much abt me but more abt how God used me... i thank God for my kids and for letting me room with Grace. I've experience Him using me to minister to all three of them as well as to a lot of the other youth.. it is sooooo amazing.. He's truly a God of miracles... I nvr thought tt He could use me to such an extent...
However, I have received my 2nd confirmation.. frankly speaking, I'm excited but at the same time frightened and somewhat reluctant.. still, i've made a promise to God and when the time comes, I'll follow and go with Him literally, to the ends of the earth, as the pastor prophesized and as i knew all along.. no matter what, to God be the glory
Through this retreat, God has brought me to a higher level, in terms of my personal life as well as in my ministry...Also, i really wanna thank Him for the relationships He's healed and for those He's renewed esp those with teen1A. I guess thru retreat my relationship with ez has also become much stronger than b4. Really wanna thank ez for praying for me and for those tears he shed as he did so..
Retreat also marks the point where my "dad" will be leaving us for a really long time.. first to missions then to his own hol and finally to NS ... gonna miss u joel
Running After You
Planet Shakers
Your Word is a light unto my path
Your Love guides me through my darkest night
And even though sometimes Your ways
I cannot understand
I’ll never walk away because my future’s
In Your hands
I don’t care what people will say
I’m running after You
I won’t turn back and go their way
Coz I’m running after You
Yeah I’m running after You
I’m running after You
(I will run to You)
I don’t care what people will say
I’m running after You
I won’t turn back and go their way
Coz I’m running after You
Don’t matter what may come my way
I’m running after you
It’s You I’m following today
I’m running after You
I’m running after You
Reflector
Planet Shakers
Since i've found your love
I've never needed anything to fill my heart
Even when i fall
You're always there with open arms to pick me up
From the start i knew
No one else could make me feel the way you do
Everyday i want to grow
Just a little bit closer, just a little bit closer
I want to be a reflector
I want to shine with your glory
I want to let the whole world know that you're
Living in me
I want to burn with your fire
Shine my light a little brighter
I want to let the whole world know that
Jesus Lives in me
yes.... WE'VE GOT THE PRAISE!
holding on to you.
9:52 PM
Sunday, June 06, 2004
retreat! yay!... haha ..really excited... i noe i gotta work and stuff.. but's still my first retreat!... one week with my "family" ... and most imptly with God....
things i hope to achieve:
1) Absolutely great experience with God
2) Build a deeper relationship with God & metamorphosis
3) Find out wat's God's plan for my life
4) Gain gift of intercession
5) Building deeper bonds of frenships with those who i alreadi know.. esp my sec 1s, my cell mates, and my "family"
6) Get to know more of the R-agers...
Get ready for change! 2 Tim 3:18...yay.. we're going all the way!
holding on to you.
10:45 PM
