Monday, May 31, 2004
today kinda made me reminisce abt the past where we just played bad and haf fun... today was sorta like tt actually... the younger kids are really amusing esp jerome and jeff... damn cute... jerome would frag jeff.. (headshot some more).. and jeff would pretend to collapse on the grnd... today ferlin came out too after like donkey yrs and we started talking bout superman.. (her so she claims.. (ast obsession... *whistles whistles innocently)... unfortunate though.. tt ferlin left us all too soon... anywayz ian came home later (tt makes up for a lot :P after all, she has no time for me these few days)and abducted jerome.. so we had to send out our special agents to rescue our little one... not to worry, all ended well... we found jerome clinging on to the handrails with ian still tugging him up the stair well..
besides all tt playfulness, i actually settled down and wrote A& C notes yay! revision is on its way
hmmz.. well.. wat ferlin said today really made me think abt my relationship with ian... wth is it anyway.. n where the hell is it going to...
a typical night out like tonite would be him and i sitting arnd.. arms arnd each other, enjoying each others presence, talking cock, suaning each other or playing com and laughing like mad... otherwise we'd be .. watching tv and suaning everyone else..
other times of the week we just haf dinner or lunch together, go cycling or watch a movie...
i guess we're just gd frens.. haha.. more like ... we just like to hang out together.. but still.. hmmz.. mayb sometimes we do cross the border... my mum's starting to get suspicious bout our relationship.. i guess i shud just watch it.. after all.. i dun want to get into a relationship with anyone other than Him... dun wanna give ian the wrong idea.. not tt i think he's serious enuf to actually look at our relationship in tt light
holding on to you.
11:20 PM
Sunday, May 30, 2004
today's concert was rather disappointing.. frankly, i expected more... generally their standard has dropped.. come to think of it.. every other gd jc co's standard has kinda dropped except ours.. and tt's because we were really lousy in the first place ...haiz...
anyway.. one rewarding thing abt going was being able to hang out with hs and wc... really missed the times we spent together... haha..was really running on sugar high today.. so the three of us went super siao during dinner... much to the horror of my mei and jd....
did i mention? jd was so sweet..haha... waited for my parents to pick me b4 leaving... i had to do a great deal of explaining later... then again... he probably did it out of obligation or wc would like slaughter him... mwhahaha....
yay my lesson today is over!.. cx wasn't arnd which is gd and bad i guess... well, today i wasn't really nervous or anything.. hmmz.. after all.. i do wat i do for an audience of one and one alone.. tt's God... not cx or anybody else... thx to cheryl for being so encouraging.. apparently my style was gd...haha.. thank God.. must be his annointing giving me this stroke of genius or something... Praise the Lord... two weeks and i'll be on my own.. kinda excited kinda nervous... but i'll pull thru with Him to guide me....
feel sad... "dad" 's gonna go NS and my "gong gong" 's gonna to go to vietnam (still must praise the Lord as he serves the Lord in this ministry).. will miss the two of them.. really.. well, at least i haf one week wid joel c.. must make the most of it :)
just read his blog.. well.. as much as i try to hide it.. as much as i hate to admit it.. pple do matter a lot to me no matter how i pretend they dun.. and no matter how much i really can't stand pple as a whole... not just my church frens... but pple like hs and wc mean a lot to me... even za in a weird way... and of course my co mates... jx... whom i would give in to and let her haf her way once i see her tears fall... (which is also the reason i'm feeling so miserable now having to go for practise when i dun want to..) these pple matter to me... u matter to me too.. wat i can say is tt: God sent us to not be of the world but to still... love the world...
well.. i could understand why u feel tt way...i noe i keep talking bout uz and stuff.. i guess ez is really impt to me cause he's been thru a lot a lot with me... he's touched my heart in so many ways tt i guess even words can't expressed.. it's thru him i see the Father's love... and in a strange way.. he's the dad i nvr had... both joels matter to me... cause they love me in a strange distanced yet i will do anything for u kinda way..
i guess with a fellow christian i kinda get excited..cause in Christ we're like one big family.. and it's like.. "hey tt's my brother !" or "hey tt's my sister! " kinda thing.. with a christian, unavoidably, it's just of another level.... somehow.. and it's the same reason i felt so excited when i first got to noe tt shane and i share the same beliefs.. i guess ultimately there's a sense of belonging and knowledge tt we haf the same father and are part of a larger family altogether..
holding on to you.
11:21 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
i feel like a loser.. i dunno why i went for prac today la.. couldn sight read and play at tt speed.. spent my time fumbling with the notes and fooling arnd with the sec 1s
and i feel bloody hurt la... if u dun want to go out with me then say so.. why lie? u're either lying or u're finding excuses.. ez i dun want to talk to u liao lah.... just tell me if u dun want to go but dun lie to me... dun make use of me...and no.. u of all pple shud noe tt i am NOT trying to get close to u.. for goodness sake la... i understand if we need some distance btwn us... arghz..
first time teaching tmr... better do a gd job of it.. cx'll be watching sob
still feel miserable... today really really sux...
holding on to you.
9:15 PM
I dun like going to church..specifically my church... i go only because of God, my ministry.. cause the onli pple who really matter to me are there (ez, cx, xiao jia, joel t, joel c, shaun ho, of course my kids, my cell, and HIM). i feel miserable there... really... esp when i'm there early and i'm surrounded by a grps of pple i dun really noe..there's no warmth.. i guess over the yrs, sunday sch and cell, us being in a big church, has made our youth grp very cliquish...btw, i haf a feeling tt some dua pai person doesn really like me..well.. ez blames my pathetic social life on me being antisocial... mayb.. who knows...
holding on to you.
1:02 AM
Friday, May 28, 2004
sometimes i feel like i'm being cruel... mayb i am.. it's better this way.. a clean break... perhaps he'll start seeing wat a rotten person i am and not harbour anymore hope...
ate ice kachang for dinner... i noe ez wants to kill me now... but it's very colourful lor.. and no coconut milk.. so i felt like eating then eat lor..haiz.. eat until so cold.. shivering.. damn sad .. in any case i shud go eat all the junk i want and eat watever i feel like eating b4 having to stay arnd gid and ez for one week... piang.. those two will nag at me to eat more lah, finish my food lah, eat proper meals lah... no more cornflakes for lunch or ice kachang for dinner... they'll take turns lor.. even though i'm sure they're both super busy with managing retreat and leading worship...
yay.. i feel so happy... there's someone in my class tt actually has kinda like the same beliefs..it's amazing when two believers just click.. frankly speaking i'm so excited.. i nvr had anyone who felt the same way bout God in my class b4... praise the Lord!
played bad today.. stamina really bad now.. used to be able to play 9 hrs straight.. today 3 hours to bing liao... lousy... haha.. ben not bad leh.. form not as gd as mine but he got the height and long limbs.. haha.. still, my heroes at bad are still ferlin and ian.. ferlin's like really cool and really pro.. ian is really pro and really cute...haha... rabbit jumps.. woohoo
eat dinner with ur family day...rite... i tried.. budden had to listen to my mum's irritated voice.. and got dismissed to go handle my own dinner... watever la...
i miss ez and xiao jia... i think i'll call xiao jia more often once the hols start.. and yes.. i miss my "dad",.. sad sad... haven't had time to tok to him... and my "gong gong" too..feel really really bad cause i forgot he was going on a mission trip...
teaching sec 1s this week.. haiz.. with God's strength i'll pull thru.....
holding on to you.
10:44 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Your Heart is Grey
What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizilla
definitely won't deny this
holding on to you.
10:29 PM
Monday, May 24, 2004
i look at my cousins and i see a reflection of me..the old me.. why ask me to figure out wat to do? wat does she expect me to do? perform a miracle? how am i supposed to help them...send them to professional help? i've been thru tt shit.. it doesn work... haha.. if u ask me.. the onli cure is God... onli He can change the heart... well.. it worked for me...
"all they need is someone to show them they're wasting time.. and time could be invested in studies"
more rubbish...
u think a kid who's out there stealing, living on the streats, getting into trouble half the time, actually cares nuts abt wasting time?
wth.. u dun understand them... like the way u didn understand me.. and is tt the way u treat such matters... just push them to someone else.. like the way u pushed me to some crap social worker some crap shrink... money solves everything.... hahahahaha.... dun u just love money... yes yes.. and everything revolves arnd time tt shud be well invested in studying... we need to see the light tt studies is everything...
u noe.. i achieved everything u wanted me to achieve thus far.. i was no better in character.. and u were still miserable having me arnd the house.. being such an eye sore.. and u still think time and gd grades is everything? haven't u learned anything?
and WAKE UP.. the social workers dun care.. they onli care if u get into trouble wid the police... they won't do anything even if u live on the streats... onli when u get caught by the police.. then mayb they'll step in to try to help.. or mayb.. better still.. they'll all be praying tt u be sent to some home so they won't haf to deal with u....
wat my cousins need is something to live for... something other then all the other shit this world wants us to work our asses off for...
i'm bitter... sue me... i hate the way all of you are dealing with them...
holding on to you.
10:35 AM
you look at your relationship with HIM and u start thinking of your relationship with him.
you start convincing yourself that your feelings towards HIM are much higher than his feelings towards you. somewhere at the back of your mind, however, you shove aside thoughts which tell u that your feelings towards HIM could be the same as those he has towards you. no matter how u try, u can't help but wonder if u're feelings have betrayed you. you start wishing tt u'd stop deceiving urself. mayb then, the way HE touched ur hair won't mean anything. the way HE talked to u with that happy glint in his eyes won't mean anything either. you start wondering how u're gonna survive the one week seeing HIM everyday. you start wishing God would stop playing with your feelings, or rather stop men frm doing so. and for once, you wish that God would give you a straght answer. You start hoping tt silence means consent, knowing tt the ans to tt silence is a three choose one situation.
yes... wait.. or perhaps... dreadful as it seems... no...
you need to noe. you hope tt this knowledge will just change something.. anything.
you wonder why this matters
holding on to you.
12:39 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
practise today was very sian .. very boring.. and yes.. i felt like killing the composer of "shi shang zi you ma ma hao" (budden... she's really a super nice person).. aiyoz.. the zhi fa is soooo terrible.. arghz.. and the ba wei is really "luan luan tiao" ... haiz... it was mentally exhausting to try to sight read the score...
randy's planning a skating thingy this june hols.. kinda excited.. haha.. weirdly so.. lol.. i haven't been skating for ages.. been thinking of going back for lessons.. i think my coach is going to wallop me for not appearing for bout.. 6 mths? a yr? haha....
realise common test sort of starts next week.. oh hell.. i am so not prepared.. and i dunno wat's going on with me.. seem to be failing all my econs essays recently...arghz...
i need to mug... :)
holding on to you.
11:51 PM
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
i miss ferlin! haha.. i just realised she's been blogging which means.. someone isn't THAT busy after all..tsk.. anyway.. wth haf u been ah? aye.. we're supposed to spend some time together rite? cause u're leaving me.. remember?
saw u yesterday on the way home.. u like daoed me lah... i'm sure i looked like some mad person shouting ur name in the middle of the road...
woman.. u owe me one...
aye.. this friday?
sorry i'm ranting at u on this blog.. the other one er.. i posted soemthing else lah..
holding on to you.
10:00 PM
Thursday, May 13, 2004
" Every time she looked at him he pierced her heart. She wanted to crush the new feelings, but still they came, slowly finding their way. Duke was right. It (love) was insidious. It was a trap. It grew like ivy, forcing its way into the smallest cracks of her defences, and eventually it would rip her apart. If she let it. If she didn't kill it now."
what i'm feeling now would rip me apart. I know this will lead to nowhere. In the first place, i think his feelings for me have diminished already. I'm running away again. I need to crush my own feelings. Then again, i don't have the will to do so...
mayb the whole problem with me is that i don't believe in friendship..
but do i believe in love?
tt frm God ...yes... frm man.....
haiz
I'm devastated.. i think i lost my math tys...
holding on to you.
9:43 PM
Monday, May 10, 2004
It's funny the way talking to grace helps me sort out my thoughts...well, i guess i've finally figured out wat's wrong with me these days
i've been trying to fit into the world only to fall pathetically on my butt. I'll never be able to understand movies, fashion or music. In the process of trying to conform, i've strayed from God. And now i realise i've nothing left. Matthew 6:24, "no man can serve two masters". I've gotta choose and i've chosen God. That means holding on to beliefs that other despise, it means being a fool to even those close to you. having hope only in God.
“If the world hates you, keep in mind, it hated me first. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also…But remember, don’t be afraid…I am with you…my peace I give you…In this world you will have trouble…But take heart! I have overcome the world!”
I've been reading the book "A Voice in the Wind". How i wish my faith were as strong as Hadassah's.
holding on to you.
10:30 PM
Sunday, May 09, 2004
i dunno wat to say to jessie anymore... it's tragic how our frenship has come to this..
purvis is right... once u leave the church wat u lose is the pple...
seriously anyone can haf a relationship with God, but God did emph the imptance of fellowship..Heb 10:25... tt's wat he didn get.. we're not all tt shallow u noe...well.. i guess u just connect with some pple in the spiritual sense.. once u lose tt.. somehow.. things just turn diff... u find it hard to connect with the person.. and there's just this hole between ur relationship... haha.. someone has to deal with a bit of ambiguity too...
tragic... i still miss her though... and yes.. i'm disappointed... disappointed that she didn't have the will to hold on... we both have similar experiences.. mayb sad lives? why couldn she just continue on... i noe, i understand.. it's not easy.. but why?
mayb i'm angry with her.. tt doesn mean i've lost tt christian love... then again.. i'm not God... only He can truly love unconditionally
holding on to you.
10:50 PM
only one thing to say:
TANBO ROCKS!
haha...
and i suck..
kinda disappointed wid myself cause i noe i didn perform my best
anyhow.. it would still a gd show... esp ye ge! yay!
holding on to you.
12:32 AM
Friday, May 07, 2004
i can't talk to pple... i no nuts abt music or fashion or movies even books.. haiz.. i'm boring... yes.. my life revolves only arnd God.. is tt sad? u say isn't...
i dun like pple... i hate socialising.. i hate having to think of things to say
thx ez for being there.. haiz.. it's just diff with u somehow... u've been there for me... thru so much... i just dun trust others.. i can't.. every time i'm gonna step over tt line i drag myself back. i dun want to be hurt..
i noe u want me to tok to cx.. i probably need to..
ez.. why issit onli u who loves me?
holding on to you.
12:42 AM
Thursday, May 06, 2004
i'm worried.. worried that one day he'll find someone else and then he'll start treating me differently.. haiz.. i'm so insecure... he said he feels insecure too.. am i supposed to be comforted?
haiz..
i've had enough of being trampled by her.. i know she's got better grades, better brains, better talent, better family bg mayb better looks... i'm tired of being her step ladder... being stepped on so she she can reach somewhere higher..gosh.. she doesn even give me a chance to speak.. i've had it.... all i want to do is to be alone...
woman...u dun want me to spell the facts in ur face...tsk.. or mayb u might be too ego to even be able to understand.. at least tt's wat i've observed anyway...
i'm sorry for what i said yesterday... i wish i could take it back..i'm sure it hurt.. i could haf said so many other things b4.. i'm not perfect or anything.. i haf feelings too.. it doesn mean tt i let u haf ur way all the time tt i'll let u use me and throw me arnd. i haf my limits... mayb tt's the whole problem... i've let u haf ur way for sooo many yrs...
i miss hui shan.. i wish she was hear to intervene.. the selfish side of me mayb.. even silently wishes tt u'll go pick on her... then again. unlike the loser i am.. hui shan is brilliant.. u probably can't pick out anything to say bout her, can u?
rite now u're jealous.. the same way u were jealous of hui shan...
and rite now.. there's just no more anger or sadness... all i feel is pity and disgust... wat a tragic figure u are... someone of ur calibre having to trample on others so as to alleviate urself...
tragic indeed
holding on to you.
10:32 PM
i feel hurt
very hurt
i promise u i'm not going to say anything anymore..
holding on to you.
12:20 AM
Monday, May 03, 2004
just spoke to yk after sooo long... just realised how much i miss him.. i hope he's doing fine and all
to my dear dear yk: relax k.. and all the best for ur tests and exams :).. by the way u're looking better and better every yr..haha.. and so is corny...
neways.. elections today... arghz.. i hate elections.. i mean.. why do i haf to promote myself... somehow it just makes elections seem more shallow...
heard tt my nephew's in trouble again.. the social workers are crap too.. wonder why we haf them.. gosh..
"he's been running arnd for so long.. wat difference does it make if he runs arnd for a few more days.. when he gets into trouble wid the police you can come inform me "
....
holding on to you.
10:25 PM
Sunday, May 02, 2004
today was a great day wid my kids... haha.. they're so cute.. esp gm.. and yes.. thank God for the nice guy who picked up my wallet and returned it. I actually fell aslp on the bus and dropped it on the ground... silly girl...as ez would say..
lunch wid the cell wasn't tt bad after all.. i survived it..though it was a bit awkward at times... and i met hwee leng today!... haven't seen her for so long.. trying to encourage her to serve in the youth... that'll be sooo cool.. she's really a great woman of faith.
Anyway, someone did piss me off today... spent abt an hr not saying anything during lunch.. i only said one word and he just had to take it and slap me in the face.. arghz.. some pple are just so cruel...
holding on to you.
11:26 PM
Saturday, May 01, 2004
i can't believe i took so long to realise wat he means to me... but i chose this path and i gotta stick to it.. now it's all abt letting go..
why do i feel so sad...
according to grace, " the 'like' between the both of u is intrinsic to ure relationship.
without that like, the relationship is different, somehow"
perhaps it is... who knows?
i guess he'll always be someone special to me.. but i to him?... hmmz...
i think somewhere he still feels something for her.. i wonder how tt makes me feel?
holding on to you.
1:33 AM
