Friday, April 30, 2004
i'm running for chair.. can't believe this.. i hate politics.. and i'm afraid of interviews!
ferlin wasn't able to come over tonite! disappointing.. ian came over though.. he proved to be rather entertaining...
been really sad lately...
wonder why....
currently deciding whether to go to the library tmr after practise
holding on to you.
11:53 PM
I'm on the mezzanine floor,
Never been here before no no
It's a lonely place,
But a house full of grace
ramblings.. bits and pieces frm a song
loneliness...
sadness...
dun feel like using words today...
Delirious?
Stealing Time
I need a lonely day with you, sometime.
I need to get away with you, sometime.
I've got a crowd of things going on, in my mind.
I need a lonely day with you, sometime.
Sometimes, I never get there, sometimes.
Stealing time, Am I forever.
Stealing time to be with you.
I remember love's first days,
Precious moments, we had all the time in the world.
Still You thrill me, still You heal me.
Still need a lonely day with you, sometime.
Sometimes, I never get there.
Sometimes, can I ever get there?
This time, will I ever really get there?
and this... this.. is my song... exactly how i feel wid each step of the way....exactly how i've been feeling for yrs and yrs and yrs to come...
Delirious?
A Little Love
Discipline is the bullet in my gun.
Freedom is the thing that keeps it fun.
I'm trying hard to shed my other skin.
And wash away the hurt that lies within.
When sadness feels so strong,
And hope does not belong.
All you need is love,
A little love, to get us through.
All you need is love,
Just a little love, to get us through.
Regulate the info in my herd.
Keep me hanging from this tiny thread.
Without a prayer, I am going down.
Beneath the waves where men are lost and found.
When happiness is gone,
And hope does not belong.
Loving You is the only way.
Living You is my everyday.
When sadness feels so strong,
And hope does not belong.
Everything we lose and find,
Is hidden in the sinking sand.
holding on to you.
12:17 AM
Thursday, April 29, 2004
i fang so many pao today..arghz.. so embarrassing.. must go and practise liao.. help help help tmr math test... arghz.. i dun care liao lah... must practise.. esp hong hua.. arghz.. screwed... must rem to change to dun huang.. and get rid of the tanxian... also must rem to bring cloth cause change to dun huang.. and er.. lets see.. must change jiao bu....
wondering if shud borrow a pa.... ah well.... i a bit bu hao yi si to ask frm him.... but if i do ask.. and he agrees.. i haf a chance to see him..haha.. haven't seen my ou xiang for so long...awww...
cant stand it.. everyone treats me liao a little girl.. "xiao hai zi" "xiao mei" "little girl" ... wth.. when i was falling aslp bl started singing a lullabye...
holding on to you.
12:57 AM
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
happy! haha.. done all my shopping for co stuff..
took photos of my neighbours today...yay... jerome is soooo photogenic..haha... pity i didn get any shots of ian.. hmmz.. still.. i think i haf a few of his lying arnd somewhere ...
ferlin and i are going to spend some time together on fri..yay.. can't wait actually.. but b4 that -moans- math test.. i'm seriously going to die... no time to study.. woohoo... everyone seems to think i'll do well.. ouch...
holding on to you.
11:10 PM
Monday, April 26, 2004
Some interesting things i heard during today's sermon on trusting the Lord:
8 Stages of life
1 day to 5 yrs - We experience many spills
6 yrs to 16 yrs - We pick up many skills
17 yrs to 20 yrs - We go through many drills (NS.. haha)
21 yrs to 25 yrs - We discover many thrills
26 yrs to 40 yrs - We pay many bills
41 yrs to 60 yrs - We suffer many ills
61 yrs to 75 yrs - We take many pills
> 75 yrs - We worry 'bout our wills
whatever stage of life we're in, it's impt tt we be still..... Psalm 46:10
The Centre of the Bible
Longest chapter - Psalm 119
Shortest chapter - Psalm 117
Middle chapter - Psalm 118
There are 594 chapters before and after Psalm 118
594 + 594 = 1188
The centre verse of the Bible - Psalm 118:8
cool huh?
holding on to you.
12:10 AM
Sunday, April 25, 2004
maybe i overreacted... mayb i was pmsing...i was seriously going to confront wgy.... arghz.. it's not tt i dun like her or anything.. it's just tt she can be sooooooo cruel sometimes.. it just really ripped my heart out so see my jnrs in tears... arghz... and i dunno why jl did wat she did... is she plain stupid or is she just trying to cause trouble...
it's not the first time wgy's said such cruel things... not tt i can really blame her for wat she said.. now tt i think of it..
darn... i can't believe i shed tears in front of xq... ouch.. and almost the whole co... i hope everyone just forgets this incident... this is sooooo embarrassing... i'm sure xq is gonna tease me to no end
u noe.. today was supposed to be enjoyable.. why did it haf to end this way?
i do hope tt jx and zm dun get into too much trouble wid wgy...
holding on to you.
12:20 AM
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Pain
found not in a smile
amongst the chattering and laughter
crying from the silence of the heart
numbing one's senses
in the walls of every step
standing still
u dun like me to haf frens.. u dun want me to haf frens.. fine..
sometimes i feel tt u're just being too selfish.. not everybody is trying to snatch me away frm u.. haf u ever stopped to think abt wat i really feel.. or wat's the cause of it all? for once would u pls stop pushing the blame?
if u want it tt way...fine.. i can be alone... u think i haf a lot of frens.. no i don't...being alone isn't a problem.. haven't i grown up like tt for at least 10 yrs of my life..
i dun need u or anybody else...
just God... tt's enuf.. tt satisfies me
i'm not worthy of God or of anybody..
i can't stand human beings...
including myself
esp myself
i'm on top of my own hate list
holding on to you.
12:33 AM
Friday, April 23, 2004
performing tmr... lol.. kinda numb.. don't feel anything.. just sick and tired... excited at being able to see my jnrs though... yes..i miss jx!.. but i dun think she misses me as much lah... wondering if i shud like bring stuff over for them.. i miss zm too! and jean!.. haiz.. sadness.. i missed zm the last time i went back... and i kinda feel guilty too cause i didn help jx out when she was cornered by wgy... i shud haf just gone in to tok to wgy... distract her or something... i heard wgy wasn't even bothered wid hui ling.. if she's not bothered wid hl, she wouldn haf been bothered wid me
so many things tt i haf to rmbr to bring tmr...arghz.. i count 15 items.. i dun think my bag can fit all those things..focus.. think... i haf a big bag somewhere.. arghz.. no.. i am not wearing tt ugly white skirt and long sleeve blouse to sch tmr... NO WAY....
i feel miserable.. i am such a cheat and an asshole... why am i behaving the way i am... i'm sorry if i've hurt u .. i'm sorry if i've been an ass trying to distance myself from u sometimes..yes... bouncing away or pretending to be very interested in tokin to someone else.... as much as i want us to get back to being gd frens it's really hard esp since it's as if everybody's watching us to see wat's going to happen.... arghz..and all their comments and jokes aren't helping either... i'm so sorry.. pls forgive me... and give me some time... haiz...
holding on to you.
10:39 PM
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
performing on sat... doesn't feel like i'm going on stage soon... lol.. i dun even noe where and wat time i'm performing...
ouch.... chairman says we haf to put on make up.. haha.. the only good thing bout it is that we get to put make up on the tanbo guys.. -evil grinz- ...ah well
to grace, erm thx for helping me sort out tt load of crap in the back of my mind... mayb i'm just not ready to say anything abt him
holding on to you.
11:12 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
i feel pissed off esp at wat johnny said today
realised tt i haven't seen jimmy for a really long time b4 he decided to appear here today..still a little frightened of him... remember the times my mum use let him chaperone me to places...he was nice.. but he used to bully me too.. and used to throw me arnd.. literally...
haiz.. thinking abt jimmy reminds me tt i shoud call xiao jia..
holding on to you.
10:54 PM
Monday, April 19, 2004
we won 8-3... should be happy... jerome scored 5 today... woohoo
i'm devastated... ferlin's leaving me... gosh... i can't imagine life w/o her... seriously.. she's the only GIRL fren i actually haf.... i'll have no one to talk to anymore... esp in modern sewage... sighz.. i guess all this is inevitable actually... it's just a matter of when... i just wish it wasn't so soon.. i don't even haf a yr wid her! only 6 mths!.. i think i'm being really selfish... but i dun want ferlin to go...
pls God.. no....
soon.. the whole modern sewage will be in australia... of course jordy may be going canada and i may be going wid him... haiz...
quote jordan.. " just think 5 yrs down the road.. our team will be no more... all we'll haf left are pple like jerome...sarah... "
come to think of it.. rome may be going to canada too
mayb i shud just go to australia wid ferlin... like she said.. we could rent a place or something... budden she said it'd be a waste for me.. perhaps it is....
we've been together for so many donkey yrs.. it's just soooo hard to think tt we'll actually be separated....
holding on to you.
8:57 PM
Sunday, April 18, 2004
i ask myself how i've gotten myself in such a tangled mess and i'm wondering how i really feel..
how i wish i could say i've gotten everything figured out...
holding on to you.
9:59 PM
Saturday, April 17, 2004
i need a hole...
joehan's qn of the day : how do u define maturity?
holding on to you.
12:56 AM
Monday, April 12, 2004
finally get to see ferlin after sooo many days... we're STILL trying to plan a girl's night out... we'll probably end up spending the night playing CS or something... dun laugh.. we're trying to be normal typical females here....
things we've got to get :
1) food (but both of us are on a diet.. mayb just carrot sticks)
2) some vcds ( suggested: hot chick... dunno.. let ferlin decide)
3) cheese cake ( she insists tt i bake.. kinda undecided.. the lazy way out would cost...)
4) our mouths... to talk n talk n talk
today was boring, cause b4 we got onto the family team we didn really have a chance to play... anyway we did some research on the guys in our neighbourhood, mainly on the characteristic of their ideal wifes... the common characteristics are as follows:
1) kind and caring
2) loyal
3) honest
4) understanding
5) good cook
6) need not be pretty (to most..it's def better if they're not pretty cause other men won't look)
7) able to do housework (sighz.. the fate of women)
mayb i shud go find out more frm my classmates :D
holding on to you.
10:52 PM
Sunday, April 11, 2004
i noe a relationship with God is not abt feelings.. but right now i'm really dry.. yes.. i need retreat! kkz.. can't wait for june.. i haf another problem. someone is proving to be quite a distraction.
quote ez " he'll be playing every week.."
i need to look after my sec 1s.i need to be wid them everyweek which means i'll see them every week. am i gonna run away all my life? (prob not all my life) .. another quote frm him "If God's more impt i dun see wat's the problem" .. arghz.. tt is so not true... there's still this big battle btwn the spirit and the flesh..
o why why why.......
quote again " everyone likes xxx one point or another"
tt doesn't console me at all.. it just makes me feel like a fool.. like one of those shallow pple...
watever.... haiz
so wonderful!!!... "dad" got baptised today and he's really sweet.. promised to buy a ticket frm me...support me for my performance.. heee.... mayb i can convince "gong gong" too...
holding on to you.
10:11 PM
Saturday, April 10, 2004
i've been wondering abt my lack of feeling for a long time.. at one time i used to be so angry, so bitter. even if i were to hide my emotions, at least i noe they exist. Now, i search for these emotions and i can't find them anymore. i dont feel anything, i don't feel these negative emotions, neither do i feel any postive one. Mayb i've just become too good at wearing a smile and hiding everything for everyone..so good tt i dun even noe where i've hidden them
what happens if one day the closet where all this is kept bursts...
for once i wish i could cry..
(this is purely reflective..)
holding on to you.
10:28 PM
sh is angry wid me or ignoring me for some reason... christine came up wid an explanation for his unusual behavior.. it absolutely horrifies me.
bought three books today.. of which one is atonement child...
living in bliss
didn't go church today cause i've got to study for econs... miserable.. and guess wat? i haven't even started studying yet..arghz!
holding on to you.
10:11 PM
Thursday, April 08, 2004
i feel hurt.. someone actually rated me 30 on a scale of 100.. :P.. yes.. and it's a log scale..
had my first study session with ferlin, joe and hx today... started off really well... we were all really quiet, doing our own work... yes... unbelievably so... until hx appeared...haha.. i think it was not due to his presence that we started chatting, but rather our short concentration spans... anyway, we did have VERY insightful conversations... and pls.. no one is to mention anything else abt tt fruit...
had a chat wid ferlin on the way home.. apparently she has this weird idea tt pple who live outside the garden age at a faster rate... i dun think hx looks old... but godzilla.... er.. hem...
holding on to you.
11:44 PM
Sunday, April 04, 2004
did a lesson on fellowship wid the sec 1s today.kat was asking if we felt the love of God's family every week we came to church. She asked those who did to raise their hands...well well, i didn't do so bcoz i thought the qn wasn't directed to me.. Unfortunately for me, my sec 1s noticed, and later asked me the same qn.. as usual, i ended earlier than the rest of the cms and i spent the rest of the time pondering whether i felt loved or not.. my immediate ans was of course, no.. i only hesitated because i rem ez..
mayb it was a coincidence... on the way out of delta after the lesson, i met joel gong gong outside the hall, saw yvonne jie at the retreat counter, met jason jiu gong at the carpark and christopher yi po on the way to the bus stop.. spent time talking to them and catching up on stuff.. amazing how God used them to remind me of His love and His family in the church... later i remembered how sweet "dad" was to shelter me from the cab to delta even though it must haf only been a two metre walk.. yar.. at one time i was so close to these pple.. and yes.. they're still dear to me and i haf the reassurance that they still care for me.. i always grumble and complain tt ez has no time for me, budden just looking into his eyes, i noe i matter to him.. haha.. sounds so ego and full of mush
well well...my ans to tt qn is...yes...
holding on to you.
10:55 PM
Thursday, April 01, 2004
maybe i just need to be alone...
how sad it is that when i need a friend, the person who claims to be my fren for at least 5 yrs, is unable to be one...
today's match was great... draw... brian nvr ceases to amuse me.. he dribbled past everybody, went round the field at least thrice, across the goal mouth at least ten times, and then shot past the keeper, to the corner of the pitch... out of the pitch...
way to go brian....
holding on to you.
11:06 PM
